Books in Homestuck

A large variety of books have appeared in Homestuck, from educational manuals to fantasy novels.

Colonel Sassacre's Daunting Text
Colonel Sassacre's Daunting Text of Magical Frivolity and Practical Japery is a massive piece of literature by the titular famous humorist, filled with timeless jokes and pranks, first encountered in Homestuck within John's magic chest. It is one of John's favorite books and he occasionally HS 1969 (consults it) in order to enhance his hilarious antics. While its content is light-hearted, it has been known to be lethally heavy, and has been used on more than one occasion as a makeshift weapon or component for one. The writing style is dated and verbose, making the text difficult to consult, and contains more than a few racial slurs in its original form, which is unsurprising given its pre-1910 publish date.

Several copies of the Daunting Text were found at Nanna's joke shop, Prankster's Gambit, before its untimely meteor-related destruction. At the time of the destruction, Nanna was inside putting a particularly old, unabridged copy on a high shelf, and was officially reported to have died by it crushing her. Later, John found a very old and moldy copy of the text in the Egbert family safe, along with a note, hinting that it was the very copy that caused Nanna Egbert's death. However, it later turned out to be merely riding the meteor that was carrying John and that impact was actually responsible for killing her. This particular edition was later temporarily used as a weapon by a Crude Ogre, no laughing matter, as the book has shown the ability to smash holes in walls with relative ease. After Nannasprite dropped it onto the surface of the Land of Wind and Shade to save John from a Tar Basilisk, Jade's Grandpa apparently found the book and carried the book away with him to the laboratory in the Veil, where it was transported back to Earth on a meteor during the Reckoning along with John's younger paradox clone. The meteor crashed into Nanna's family joke shop on John's birthday, killing her and leading Dad to adopt John, and bringing the book full-circle back to Earth. Dad then stored it away in the safe where John found it 13 years later while playing Sburb along with a note from Nannasprite. Nanna's message semi-prophetically stated that the book's journey would end on the day she died, and then continue even further.

Jane also HS 6046 (owned) a slightly abridged and updated copy with a few of the more egregious racial slurs removed, usually kept in her own equivalent of John's magic chest. Her Poppop HS 6105 (had an antique unabridged copy), which had traveled to the post-scratch universe with him on his meteor, the same copy John found in his father's safe. At a later date, Roxy Lalonde accidentally appearified it and crushed Frigglish the cat.

Combined with the hammer and the telescope, it made the daunting Telescopic Sassacrusher. John had already at some point probably combined the text with his birthday Con Air Bunny from Dave, and a fedora from his Dad's Bedroom as the resulting Bunny Sassacre Fedora appeared when John, after hitting Bec Noir with the Pop-a-Matic Vrillyhoo Hammer, rolled the Fluorite Octet contained inside the hammer to produce the combination 1-2-3-4-5-6-6-8, giving Jack the Ridiculous Hat.

Rose has been shown to be unenthusiastic about the Text, though this is hardly surprising, given her taste for Darker Literature.

R.L Tome
The tome is an extensive journal written by Rose Lalonde while she was on the meteor, detailing everything that the kids had been through and everything she knew about the game. Rose and Kanaya spent much of their time on the meteor using its libraries to research the game and especially the alpha kids' session. This research was presumably recorded in the tome, in a style similar to Rose's walkthrough, for the purpose of ""

During A6I2 Karkat tries to draw a schedule for his and Dave's vascillating relationship with Terezi in the book, but is HS 6615 (interrupted) by Dave. They proceed to HS 6618 (fight) over the book and scribble messy lines and penises all over a page, Dave likens it to a ouija board of penises, and Act 6 Intermission 2 is actually named "penis ouija" after this. This page later HS 7009 (baffled) Calliope, leading her to suspect that it was drawn by Caliborn who was somehow involved in the journal's story. She eventually dismissed this idea as being too far-fetched, though.

The tome is also seen in Calliope's room, likely brought there by Gamzee along with the cherub's other things. From Calliope's perspective, the ancient tome was written by a legendary Seer of Light many ages ago. While there are some mysterious holes in the account, it nevertheless remains an indispensable resource to her. It seems that everything Calliope knows about the game comes from this tome, meaning it must contain a considerable amount of information. Gamzee appears to have used Equius's indigo colored blood to blot out particular pieces of information. By doing this he "voided" these bits out, a possible reference to Equius' aspect. Most of the redactions target any piece of information about, who was either directly or indirectly behind every terrible event in the story. Everything about him, including where he came from, information about his manipulative right hand man, his agenda, his abilities, and his name had all been voided out. Most of the other blot-outs seem to target one member of the post-scratch troll group, which can be assumed is Gamzee. Calliope surmises he was easily the least important character in the entire story. HS 5119 (How incredibly wrong she was.) Calliope's favorite thing is reading every detail of this tome, creating complex theories regarding its characters, and creating fanfiction and fanart for it (à la the MSPA fanbase). The initials on the front of the book resemble the ones left at the end of Rose's walkthrough.

~ATH - A Handbook for the Imminently Deceased
~ATH - A Handbook for the Imminently Deceased is a programming handbook centered around the programming language ~ATH (pronounced "till death"). It is an esoteric programming language primarily geared towards imminently deceased programmers. The language exists on both Earth and Alternia. ~ATH is an apparently insufferable language to work with. Its logic is composed of nothing but infinite loops, or at best, loops of effectively interminable construction.

Several copies of the book have been seen in Homestuck, appearing in both universe A and universe B. A copy of the book can be seen in John's closet, though he's never seen reading it. Presumably it is still in his closet, unless something happened to it while John's room was HS 4568 (ransacked) by imps (the standard view of the room leaves his closet out of the frame.)

An identical ~ATH handbook was originally in Karkat's respiteblock. In the alpha timeline, Karkat's book is destroyed when his computer explodes from running the Mobius Double Reacharound Virus. In an alternate timeline, the code was never executed so the book was never destroyed, and Gamzee went murderous much earlier and proceeded to kill all the other trolls with the exception of Aradiabot. He wrote his  code in the book using the blood of the trolls he'd killed HS 5510. That timeline's Aradiabot then went back in time to prevent the timeline and brought the book with her as proof of Gamzee's insanity, but quickly lost track of it. The code in that ~ATH book was then ectobiologically combined with Lil Cal create .

had a bloody copy of the book, possibly the same book that was used to ectobiologically create him. He used it as a scrapbook, filled with images of Homestuck panels. This book was ripped in half when  beat Spades Slick over the head with it, but was HS 5795 (repaired by Scratch) shortly afterwards. Hussie was later seen writing in this scrapbook in his study, presumably having taken it from Scratch's apartment before leaving with the repaired Homestuck Disc Two.

Calliope had a clean copy of the book, which she found to be rather dreary and morbid, and used it instead as a scrapbook of her fanfiction and fanart. The origins of this book are uncertain: most of the items in the cherubs' room were brought there from the trolls' meteor by Gamzee, so it may be a book that had previously been in another troll's possession. Caliborn took the tome into his session with him, to use the pages to sop up the blood from his leg. He had HS 7329 (scribbled on some of Calliope's drawings) and ripped out a sizable portion of the book, dropping them behind him in HS 7343 (a trail of crumpled bloody paper). He left the tome in his sylladex, where it presumably still remains.

Later, in Calliope's dream bubble, Jade and Calliope used a version of the book (presumably a dream bubble projection) that was completely blank to write and illustrate the stories that Jade told Calliope, and that the alternate timeline god tier version of Calliope had told Jade in the past.

Data Structures for Assholes
"Some people have speculated that Buckminster Funnyuncle was actually Karkat. Which, aside from the fact that it makes no sense whatsoever, is not that bad a theory, since their cantankerous voices are practically identical."

- Homestuck Book 1 commentary

Data Structures for Assholes is one of John's many computer programming guides. It seems to focus on using a Sylladex and different Fetch Modi. It is insanely abusive, using every opportunity to demean and insult the reader, so much so that it really teaches very little. It even possesses "asshole notes" at the bottom of the pages; these are like Cliff notes but, instead of being informative, they are another excuse to insult the reader. In the back cover is a HS 2017 (free Fetch Modus), the orange Queue Modus. In the chapter on weaponizing a Sylladex, Funnyuncle declares that he so incredibly sick of the reader's incompetence that he will illustrate the technique through shitty clip art instead of explaining it. The book appears to be part of a series of similarly abuse-themed guides, as Rose HS 2342 (at one point considers) getting "Knitting for Assholes". Apparently a sequel called "Data Structures for Assholes 2: Now Written to Accomodate the Shortcomings of the Mentally Retarded" also exists.

Wise Guy
Wise Guy is a book about Harry Anderson's adventures as a hard boiled detective in New Orleans, Louisiana. He is one of Jane Crocker's idols, and had a bit of a history with her Poppop. The two were rivals on the vaudeville comedy and magic act circuit. Eventually the less competent Anderson was shamed out of the industry. The book's gripping tales weren't actually written by Anderson, but were ghost written by someone named Mike Caveney. It is filled with his embittered ramblings about Anderson.

This book really exists and can be purchased on Amazon. Presumably the actual book doesn't contain any of the weird vitriol.

The Fatherly Gent's Shaving Almanac
A tome found within a heavy safe in the Egbert household. After the safe crashed into the study, this distinguished literature was exposed. It would make sense that it concerns proper shaving techniques. John assumes that it is very valuable to his father as it was locked away for safe keeping, at least until John is old/strong enough to lift the safe. John figures he might read it some day when he's old enough to shave.

Grimoire for Summoning the Zoologically Dubious
The Grimoire for Summoning the Zoologically Dubious is a very dangerous tome in the possession of Rose Lalonde. It contains descriptions of terribly dangerous beasts as well as instructions on summoning them. Rose considers allocating it to her Strife Specibus but decides there are some forces too dangerous to tamper with. It is an ancient and forbidden book of black arts, but it also makes a nifty place to set your laptop! Its captchalogue code is later used in the creation of the Thorns of Oglogoth. The book has some connection to the Horrorterrors as it is said that Oglogoth is the first and smallest of the Smaller Gods, appointed in servitude of a vile, unfathomable pantheon of Middling Gods which caters to the whims of the Noble Circle of Horrorterrors, the omniscient, omnipotent order of the elite few, forever cloaked in the darkness of the Furthest Ring.

This Ocean Charles
This is a book full of beautiful poetry and groundbreaking philosophical thinking by American Sports Legend, Charles Barkley. These are words to cherish. This is a man to treasure. Rose was lucky enough to have her copy autographed by the big man himself. What we can assume is an excerpt from this book is quoted during Homestuck. It is as follows; "April is the cruelest month, breeding lilacs out of the dead land, mixing memory and desire, stirring dull roots with spring rain." This of course, is a misattributed quote and was actually written by T. S. Eliot.

Dream Bubbles
"I slept and saw God's forge in frost. Its hearth was quelled, and as it cooled so swooned the verdancy it kept above. In slumber it grew a thick winter skin, white as bedsheets. In their folds the waker dreamt, her breath as steam, her touch as hot as iron, forgotten in the fire."

- Dream Bubbles by Charles Dutton

Dream Bubbles is a book written by Charles Dutton. It HS 4887 (contained information)regarding the Forge and LOFAF, as shown by the excerpt Dave read from Rose's book when Jade entered The Medium. On the day of Jade's "birth", Dutton wrote that he saw visions HS 4887 (reminiscent of) her planet. Specifically, the process of it changing from its original lush conditions to its initial in-game state as being frosted over. He also mentions Jade herself.

Problem Sooth
Problem Sooth is a sort of alternate version of one of our favorite tales. It is one of Jade's favorite books of all time. She keeps a copy of the book in her chest. Rose had been meaning to read this book. She thinks it's absolutely required reading for any promising young seer who has blundered into entanglement with the occult through an absurd sequence of events. The book is apparently a reference to a fan adventure on the MSPA forums.

Pony Pals: Detective Pony
Pony Pals is a series of children's books written by Jeanne Betancourt. One of the books in the series, Detective Pony is given to Jane Crocker by Dirk Strider. It is HS 6339 (read) in Act 6 Act 2 by Jane. Dirk Strider has changed Jane's copy of the book by replacing words and phrases in the novel to create a vulgar and obscene version of the story that is incredibly silly. Jane has read through the book several times, and again reads the first two pages, slathered in drawings and annotations by her ironic friend. Of all 44 books in the series, Detective Pony was likely chosen to reflect Jane's interest in crime-solving and due to the significance of the protagonist, Anna Harley's name. In one of Dirk's improvised annotations, he suggests that Anna would be a good name for Jane but he doesn't know why. This may be because 'Anna' is one letter detached from Nanna. He also refers to the name "Harley" as a "" a reference towards Jade's last name, and its origins as a corrupted version of Halley, indeed caused by a speech impediment. Jane's copy caught fire when her computer exploded; luckily Dad was around to save it.

This book really exists and can be purchased on Amazon. Dirk's annotations are sadly not included.

Wizardy Herbert
Wizardy Herbert is the name of a wizard-based story written by Roxy Lalonde some years before she began playing Sburb. It was likely inspired by her Mom's bestselling Complacency of the Learned series, which Roxy is a fan of. The titular protagonist Wizardy Herbert, is a cynical and rather irresponsible person. He has been shown to solve his problems by shooting them with his Beretta, even when he had previously admitted this wasn't the best idea. Herbert's accomplice Beatrix is usually his voice of reason. It is implied that he and Beatrix spent some time 'outside' their story, and that their time away from the book's influence has made them both rather genre savvy. Herbert constantly struggles with his HS 7477 (own rule), which is to "". The supposed villain of the story is Slinus Marlevort, who is the leader of Serpenook. He is dismissed by Herbert as essentially "a soulless mannequin dreamt up to recite insipid horseshit". The work contains many meta elements.

Complacency of the Learned
Complacency of the Learned is a fiction book about wizards written by Roxy's Mom and a huge literary success. At least six volumes of Complacency of the Learned were released, all fairly long doorstoppers. A poster of what is presumably the cover hangs from the door of Roxy's room and features a caduceus on it. The story of Complacency of the Learned directly relates to and the Condesce and was written by Roxy's Mom as a passive aggressive taunt to the Batterwitch. The books' main story is focused on Calmasis' efforts to kill all members of the titular "Complacency of the Learned", a group of elderly wizards led by Zazzerpan. All twelve are eventually killed but Zazzerpan himself, forcing a climatic showdown.

GameBro, GameGrl and Game Grub
GameBro is a HS 1941 (monthly game review magazine) in Homestuck that John Egbert and Dave Strider read. Though both of them believe that the magazine isn't worth the time, Dave reads it - and writes satirical online reviews of it - for ironic purposes. The latest (and final) issue had a bad review of Sburb; though the author of the article HS 1942 (never even played the game), he gave it one and half hats out of five for its inability to "thrash anything" before going into a discussion of the sweet times he had with his brosephs recently. John burns the magazine in the living room fireplace later on. Every issue is guaranteed to be printed on 40% recycled asbestos. Game Grub is a parallel magazine read by the trolls, particularly Karkat Vantas and Sollux Captor. It seems to be written in the Daedric alphabet, and often boasts about "exclusive leaks". GameGrl is a different edition of GameBro, possibly by the same creators, existing only in the post-scratch universe. It seems to be more female-oriented than the original, given its title and pink fonts. An issue of GameGrl is shown on Jane Crocker's desk, and another near Roxy Lalonde's game consoles.

Troll and Human Etiquette
A kind of tome found in exiles' bases, a few (but not many) years in the future from destruction of their respective planets. It (probably) contains rules on proper social interaction in players' societies, making the book's contents vary between sessions. As the Wayward Vagabond was consistently rude with his commands, this helped him form a more effective partnership with John, revealing the tome's purpose - allowing exiles to communicate with players in a proper way and actually succeeding in guiding them. A troll version was seen in Clubs Deuce's exile base. He used it to help him converse with Sollux.

The Etiquette Monstrance from Problem Sleuth appears on the covers of both books.

Advanced Frog Breeding for Beginners
Judging from the title, this book apparently deals with the frog breeding aspect of Sburb. This is an incredibly important part of the game, as it leads to the creation of the Genesis Frog. The difficulty of this book is labeled as "EXTREME", though it adds it is "for idiots!".

A Foot Soldier's Guide to Combat
A combat guide for Prospitian Pawns. Most of the diagrams in this book involve a soldier advancing by a single tile, either straight ahead, or diagonally when lunging with a weapon. Rose figures this must be why they are so easy to kill.

Journey to the Center of the Battlefield
A fairy tale written for Prospitian youngsters. The hero is a dashing young man in a blue hood. He heals the planet from within, but can do nothing to stop its annihilation from above, nor its soon to follow eradication from reality.

Book on Theoretical Physics
A book on theoretical physics, and complex spatial geometries based on the hypothetical addition of orbs to the queen's ring. The shapes in the diagrams are very complex. Apparently the book is regarded as nonsense and crack pottery at best. Four towers, four orbs, four heroes; this is a sacred truth. Though we have seen that this is not necessarily a constant among Sburb sessions.

Unlabeled Tome
The excerpt of the tome read is as follows. The tome refers to the fact that the Prospitians will never get to meet the Genesis Frog, and that they fight so that John and Jade can cross the yellow yard into the new session. The "broken glass" refers to the fenestrated wall which they are going to pass through, and the "pond he is meant to squat" refers to the Skaia in the post-scratch session. In fact, the act introducing the post-scratch kids' session is even titled "Through Broken Glass".

Rise of the Slayer
A horror story meant to scare Prospitian children. Writers of Prospitian fiction tend to write what they see in Skaia's clouds. Hence their fables tend to be events which simply haven't happened yet, or happened in another realm. They like to use the word fiction so that kids don't get too scared. Considering Jack Noir is also known as the "Sovereign Slayer", this story most likely had to do with his bloody rise to power and following path of destruction.

Marquise Spinneret Mindfang's Journal
Marquise Spinneret Mindfang was an Alternian pirate and the leader of a notoriously deadly fleet of Gamblignants. In her youth, her descendant Vriska Serket found this journal in an impact crater. It detailed much of Mindfang's life, and had clues for hidden treasures, including the Fluorite Octet set of dice and massive piles of treasure. Mindfang was also the namesake for Vriska's Flarp character. Through her journal, it is revealed that she had a kismesissitude with Orphaner Dualscar, Eridan's ancestor, which may have been Vriska's inspiration for her relationship with Eridan. Mindfang seemed to have a habit of playing redrom games with various trolls, most of them of lower castes, which Dualscar despised and envied. The journal also reveals that Mindfang had a female slave lover, who is implied to have been Kanaya's ancestor, the Dolorosa. This would mirror the red feelings between Kanaya and Vriska that were present at one point. In addition to being the original owner of the Fluorite Octet claimed by Vriska, she has also been shown to be the previous owner of the all-knowing cue ball, and had communications with (who called her his protege) in a manner similar to Vriska. Once she retrieved it from Darkleer's home, she hid it with her journal serving as the map, believing that knowing the future caused her more harm than good, particularly referring to her knowledge about her eventual death at the hands of her future flushed relationship, the Summoner. This might actually be the reason of Vriska's confused black-to-red feelings for Tavros. It is implied that Vriska used a map in the journal to find Darkleer's home and the ball.

Trashy Alternian Romance Novel
This unnamed trashy romance novel was used by Karkat to explain the subject of romantic vacillation to Dave. According to Karkat it's a pretty typical case of quadrant vacillation as applied to an overlapping group of romantic pairings. The two heroes in the middle, partaking in their flushed embrace are a typical lowblood redrom pairing. Their dynamic is the "grubloaf and tuber paste" of the overall story arc. The highblood male on the left is an old caliginous flame from the male lowblood's past, and has reentered the picture. The lowblood male can, of course, continue to court his matesprit and kismesis without conflict. It's a perfectly amicable arrangement that everyone's totally down with, until the two males start to have flushed feelings for one another, resulting in some red infidelity between the lowblood pair. Obviously this is where the fireworks start going off. The red feelings between the lowbloods turn to black, and thus begins quadrant vacillation. Meanwhile the two males are also vacillating between red and black, because they can't just let go of a rivalry so easily. During an especially black phase, the lowblood female waxes red for a notorious and especially brutal highblood female. So they have their thing on the side, but that inevitably starts vacillating too because the original pair just keep spinning like a top. Needless to say it is incredibly complicated and steamy. Rose steals the book almost immediately.

The Enquiring Carapacian
The Enquiring Carapacian is Derse's tabloid newspaper, dedicated to printing nationalistic propaganda and attacking Prospit at any opportunity. Dirk reads the paper to keep track of what Derse's agents are doing. Two issues of the publication have been seen so far: HS 6439 (the first) covers the assassination of Jane's dream self by Jack Noir, while HS 7460 (the second) covers the 153rd day of Jack's incarceration in Prospit's jail and the stalled diplomatic negotations to secure his release.

Ed Emberley's Drawing Book: Make a World
An illustration manual of some sort, dispatched to Caliborn through a mysterious box. It's unknown who exactly placed the piece of literature in the storage hole, but the HS 8171 ("you're welcome") plastered on the wall points toward a certain author. Caliborn (with Lil Seb's help) steals some art assets from this book to decorate Alpha Male's world in his Homosuck adventure.

This is another one of the real books that you can purchase on Amazon.

More How To Draw Manga Volume 1: The Basics Of Character Drawing
Another illustration manual probably given to Caliborn by that guy again. Although at first he appeared only interested in the on the cover, it later inspires Caliborn to create his manga-style drawings in Act 6 Act 6 Act 3.

Yet again, this book really exists and can be purchased on Amazon.