Alchemiter

The Alchemiter is one of three devices that can be created by the Sburb client immediately after installation.

Found within the Phernalia Registry, Cruxite Dowels can be placed on the pedestal where they will be scanned and an object will be created by the Alchemiter. An unaltered Cruxite Dowel appears to create Perfectly Generic Objects while one that is carved by the Totem Lathe will create an item specific to the pattern in which it was carved.

The Alchemiter is used by Rose to help John defeat Crude Ogres.

While the Alchemiter at first glance appears to only allow duplication of objects, John discovers that new items can be created by combining the hole-patterns of two or more items in various ways. This creates an item that shares qualities of all of the original items. The process appears to be rather context-sensitive, as the resultant item can possess qualities that the original items were only implied to have. For example, Rose's Needlewands have magic powers since they were made from a statue of a wizard, even though the statue itself possessed no appreciable magic power. John has noted that the alphanumeric code found on Captchalogue cards is too limited to cover every possible item in the world, so the alchemy process may be less free-form than it appears. Certain key items (such as the Sburb Beta) lack codes and cannot be alchemized. Pumpkins (and ghost imprints thereof) also have no code, and never will have one.

Unsurprisingly, the Trolls also have Alchemiters.

Items Alchemized
By John: By Rose: By Dave: By Alternate Future Dave: By Trolls:
 * Perfectly Generic Objects
 * Cruxite Apple
 * Blank Captchalogue Cards
 * Hammers
 * Green Slime Ghost Pogo
 * Rocket Pack with cinderblock, violin, and flower pot stuck inside
 * Claw Hammer || Green Slime Ghost Pogo = Pogo Hammer
 * Bunny Sassacre Fedora
 * Green Slime Ghost Pogo || Claw Hammer = Hammerhead Pogo Ride
 * Suit && Green Slime Ghost Shirt = Green Slime Ghost Suit
 * Green Slime Ghost Suit || "Wise Guy" book = Wise Guy Slime Suit
 * PDA && Glasses = Serious Business Goggles
 * Sledgehammer || Sassacre Text && Telescope = Telescopic Sassacrusher
 * Gushers && Blue Ectoplasm = Hellacious Blue Phlegm Aneurysm Gushers
 * Fake Arms && Blue Ectoplasm || PDA = Remote Ghost Gauntlet (right-handed)
 * Remote Ghost Gauntlet (right-handed) && Mirror = Remote Ghost Gauntlet (left-handed)
 * Gushers && Shaving Cream = Betty Crocker Barbasol Bomb
 * Umbrella && Straight Razor = Barber's Best Friend
 * Potted Plant
 * Painting of a Horse Attacking a Football Player
 * Clean Cosby Poster
 * Clean Cosby Poster && Computer = Cosbytop Computer
 * Dad's Fedora && Problem Sleuth Poster = Fedora & Candy Corn
 * Pogo Hammer || Iron = Wrinklefucker
 * Rocket Pack
 * Fear No Anvil
 * Cruxite Bottle
 * Hub && Laptop = Hubtop
 * Bronzed Vacuum && Umbrella = Bronzed Vacuumbrella
 * Casey || Eldritch Plush = Huggable Soft Salamancer Plush
 * Ink of Squid Pro Quo && Gushers = Bodacious Black Liquid Sorrow Gushers
 * Hubtop && Hairband = Hubtopband
 * Magnetic W && bottle of vodka = Magnetic Wodka
 * Wizard statue && ball of yarn = Silken Wizardbeard Yarn (with magical properties)
 * Wizard statue || knitting needles = Needlewands
 * Knittings && Velvet Pillow || Rose's Squiddle shirt = Velvet Squiddleknit Dress
 * Needlewands && Grimoire = Thorns of Oglogoth
 * Cruxite Egg
 * Mini Air Conditioner
 * Sunglasses && iPhone = IShades
 * Timetables && Laptop = Turntop
 * Puppet Tux || red Smuppet = Red Plush Puppet Tux
 * Shitty Sword && SBAHJ Poster = Sord.....
 * Snoop Dogg Photo && Mini Air Conditioner || Caledscratch = Snoop Dogg Snow Cone Machete
 * Skateboard && SBAHJ Poster = Unreal Air HS 3730 ((twice))
 * Timetables && GameBro = Vintage GameBro
 * Batarang && Midnight Crew Poster = Suitarangs
 * Red Plush Puppet Tux && Midnight Crew Poster = Four Aces Suited
 * Smuppet && Felt Poster = Jutting Out and Impudent Felt Plush
 * Dead Things in Amber && Smuppet = Foam Mutant Smuppet Encased in Amber
 * Dead Things in Amber || Smuppet = Amber Mutant Smuppet Abomination
 * Dead Fetus in a Jar && Mr. T Puppet = Foam Fetal Mr. T in a Jar
 * Camera && Captchalogue Card = Captcharoid Camera
 * His brain in a jar && SBAHJ Poster || Captcharoid Camera = SBAHJifier
 * Rose's Journals
 * Timetables
 * Puppet Tux
 * IShades
 * Caledscratch
 * Sickle and Thresh Prince DVD = Homes Smell Ya Later (Karkat)
 * Sickle and Jack Noir's Regisword = Regisickle (Karkat)
 * Crabtop (Karkat)
 * Crab Sickle (Karkat)
 * Spear cane (Terezi)
 * Cane and Scalemate = Dragon cane (Terezi)
 * Trollian shades (Terezi)
 * Rocket wings (Terezi)
 * Rocket unicycle (Gamzee)
 * Rocket Boots and Wheelchair = Rocket Car (Tavros)
 * Host Plush and Jousting Lance = Plush Lance (Tavros)
 * Lipstick and Matriorb and something else = Matriorb Lipstick (Kanaya)
 * More Trollian shades (Equius)
 * Timeboxes (Aradia)
 * Ahab's Crosshairs and Claws = Blue Claw Gloves (Nepeta)
 * Brain Trident (Feferi)

Upgrades
Combining the Jumper Block Extension with the Alchemiter allowed for various upgrades to be made. By inserting a punched card into a Punch Card Shunt, and then attaching it to the Jumper Block Extension, that card's corresponding item is incorporated into the Alchemiter.

Dave was the first to get this upgrade. He first attempted to incorporate a Blender, then a GameBro Magazine to the Alchemiter, but this resulted in an absolutely useless piece of shit, with the blender blending up the Cruxite Dowels and the magazine summoning a metal bust of a cool bro. The second time around, Dave attached a Punch Designix card to the Jumper Block Extension, which built a Designix into the side of the Alchemiter. He then added a Holopad card, which resulted in an unusable machine that could project the resulting item of an inserted card, but not create it. Dave then added a Totem Lathe. This makes the Alchemiter project the carved Cruxite Dowel for the inserted card, scan that, and create the item. These upgrades allow Dave to create and combine upgrades without running across his entire fucking house. A Jumper Block Extension card was also added to the Alchemiter. This didn't really do much except make the existing jumper block extension a bit less bulky and obviate the need for Punch Card Shunts. Dave then also added an Enlarger (similar to a focusing lens from a microscope), which lets him vary the size of the object produced. Naturally, smaller than normal items cost less Grist and larger ones cost more.

Rose is later shown to have the same Alchemiter upgrades as Dave. John used her Alchemiter to create the Fear No Anvil.