Alchemiter

The Alchemiter is one of three devices that can be created by the Sburb client immediately after installation.

Found within the Phernalia Registry, Cruxite Dowels can be placed on the pedestal where they will be scanned and an object will be created by the Alchemiter using alchemy. An unaltered Cruxite Dowel appears to create Perfectly Generic Objects while one that is carved by the Totem Lathe will create an item specific to the pattern in which it was carved.

The Alchemiter is used by Rose to help John defeat Crude Ogres.

While the Alchemiter at first glance appears to only allow duplication of objects, John discovers that new items can be created by combining the hole-patterns of two or more items in various ways. This creates an item that usually shares qualities of all of the original items. The process appears to be rather context-sensitive, as the resultant item can possess qualities that the original items were only implied to have.

For example, Rose's Needlewands have magic powers since they were made from a statue of a wizard, even though the statue itself possessed no appreciable magic power. John has noted that the alphanumeric code found on Captchalogue cards is too limited to cover every possible item in the world, so the alchemy process may be less free-form than it appears. Certain key items (such as the Sburb Beta) lack readable codes and cannot be alchemized without the laserstation. Pumpkins (and ghost imprints thereof) also have no code, and never will have one.

However, an item isn't needed to make one. All you need is a cruxite dowel, you can carve it with the Totem Lathe to get a specific item, you choose how it's carved by inserting a punched captchalogue card. You punch captchalogue cards using the Punch Designix. You can punch cards with codes taken from the back of captchalogued items or randomly, or via two methods of combining items.

There are two ways to combine cards for the Alchemiter: "||" combine and "&&" combine. The difference between these is merely the way you punch the card, || (the "OR" combine) means you punch a hole in the result card for every hole there is in either card, done methodically. The second && (the "AND" combine) means you merely line the cards up next to each other, so that anywhere that there's a hole in both there's a hole in the result card. Appropriately for AND combining, an && alchemy result will often demonstrate the functionality of both components – e.g. the Pogo Hammer can pogo and hammer – while an || alchemy result will typically have the functionality of only one of the components, but the form of the other – e.g. the Hammerhead Pogo Ride, which is just a pogo that happens to be hammer-shaped.

Unsurprisingly, the trolls also have Alchemiters as they are an important part of the game and therefore most likely appear in every session - at least ones able to bear a universe.

Items Alchemized
By John: By Rose: By Dave: By Alternate Future Dave: By Jade: By Trolls (Note: none of these combinations are explicitly shown, and some of the items were likely found rather than alchemized.) : By Salamanders: Displayed by Recipe Modus
 * Perfectly Generic Objects
 * Cruxite Apple
 * Blank Captchalogue Cards
 * Hammers
 * Green Slime Ghost Pogo
 * Rocket Pack with cinderblock, violin, and flower pot stuck inside
 * Claw Hammer && Green Slime Ghost Pogo = Pogo Hammer
 * Bunny Sassacre Fedora
 * Green Slime Ghost Pogo || Claw Hammer = Hammerhead Pogo Ride
 * Suit && Green Slime Ghost Shirt = Green Slime Ghost Suit
 * Green Slime Ghost Suit || &quot;Wise Guy&quot; book = Wise Guy Slime Suit
 * PDA && Glasses = Serious Business Goggles
 * Sledgehammer || Sassacre Text && Telescope = Telescopic Sassacrusher
 * Gushers && Blue Ectoplasm = Hellacious Blue Phlegm Aneurysm Gushers
 * Fake Arms && Blue Ectoplasm || PDA = Remote Ghost Gauntlet (right-handed)
 * Remote Ghost Gauntlet (right-handed) && Mirror = Remote Ghost Gauntlet (left-handed)
 * Gushers && Shaving Cream = Betty Crocker Barbasol Bomb
 * Umbrella && Straight Razor = Barber's Best Friend
 * Potted Plant
 * Painting of a Horse Attacking a Football Player
 * Clean Cosby Poster
 * Clean Cosby Poster && Computer = Cosbytop Computer
 * Dad's Fedora && Problem Sleuth Poster = Fedora & candy corn
 * Pogo Hammer || Iron = Wrinklefucker
 * Rocket Pack
 * Fear No Anvil
 * Vriska Outfit
 * Cruxite Bottle
 * Hub && Laptop = Hubtop
 * Bronzed Vacuum && Umbrella = Bronzed Vacuumbrella
 * Casey || Eldritch Plush = Huggable Soft Salamancer Plush
 * Ink of Squid Pro Quo && Gushers = Bodacious Black Liquid Sorrow Gushers
 * Hubtop && Hairband = Hubtopband
 * Magnetic W && bottle of vodka = Magnetic Wodka
 * Wizard statue && ball of yarn = Silken Wizardbeard Yarn (with magical properties)
 * Wizard statue || knitting needles = Needlewands
 * Knittings && Velvet Pillow || Rose's Squiddle shirt = Velvet Squiddleknit Dress
 * Needlewands && Grimoire = Thorns of Oglogoth
 * Cruxite Egg
 * Mini Air Conditioner
 * Sunglasses && iPhone = IShades
 * Timetables && Laptop = Turntop
 * Puppet Tux || red Smuppet = Red Plush Puppet Tux
 * Shitty Sword && SBAHJ Poster = Sord.....
 * Snoop Dogg Photo && Mini Air Conditioner || Caledscratch = Snoop Dogg Snow Cone Machete
 * Skateboard && SBAHJ Poster = Unreal Air HS 3730 ((twice))
 * Timetables && GameBro = Vintage GameBro
 * Batarang && Midnight Crew Poster = Suitarangs
 * Red Plush Puppet Tux && Midnight Crew Poster = Four Aces Suited
 * Smuppet && Felt Poster = Jutting Out and Impudent Felt Plush
 * Dead Things in Amber && Smuppet = Foam Mutant Smuppet Encased in Amber
 * Dead Things in Amber || Smuppet = Amber Mutant Smuppet Abomination
 * Dead Fetus in a Jar && Mr. T Puppet = Foam Fetal Mr. T in a Jar
 * Camera && Captchalogue Card = Captcharoid Camera
 * His brain in a jar && SBAHJ Poster || Captcharoid Camera = SBAHJifier
 * Rose's journals
 * Puppet Tux
 * iShades
 * Caledscratch
 * Cruxite Dog Piñata
 * Kringlefucker
 * Conksuck Boot
 * Rose's Headband && Fluffy Ball = Fluffy Ball Plus Headband
 * Earmuffs
 * Earmuffs && Lunchtop = Lunchmuffs
 * Circuit Johnny 5 Ghost Image && Lunchtop = Johnnytop
 * Iron Man Suit && Jade's Outfit = Iron Lass Suit
 * Daughter of Eclectica && Jade's Outfit = Dress of Eclectica
 * Rose's Crystal Ball && Magic 8 Ball = Transparent Magic 8 Ball
 * Rose's Crystal Ball && Jade's Glasses = Sooth Specs
 * Sooth Specs && Lunchtop = Junior Compu-Sooth Spectagoggles
 * Wolf Head Trophy && Lunchtop || Jade's Shirt = Warm Fuzzy Squiddlejacket
 * Wolf Head Trophy && Lunchtop || Jade's Shoes = Squiddlesneaks
 * Midnight Crew Poster && Hunting Rifle = Girl's Best Friend
 * Dutton Photo && Squiddle = Duttle
 * Decrepit Mummy && Midnight Crew Poster || Jade's Outfit = Dead Shuffle Dress
 * Green Sun Bedsheets && Girl's Best Friend = Green Sun Streetsweeper
 * Dress of Eclectica && The Felt Poster || Transparent Magic 8 Ball = Three In The Morning Dress
 * Mecha && Green Sun Streetsweeper || Iron Lass Suit = Johnny 5
 * Dutton Photo && Sooth Specs = Dutton Bubble Goggles
 * Ahab's Crosshairs
 * Sickle and Thresh Prince DVD = Homes Smell Ya Later (Karkat)
 * Sickle and Jack Noir's Regisword = Regisickle (Karkat)
 * Crabtop (Karkat)
 * Clawsickle (Karkat)
 * Spear cane (Terezi)
 * Cane and Scalemate = Dragon cane (Terezi)
 * Trollian shades (Terezi and Equius)
 * Rocket wings (Terezi)
 * Unireal Air (Gamzee)
 * Rocket Boots and Wheelchair = Rocket Car (Tavros)
 * Host Plush and Jousting Lance = Fiduspear (Tavros)
 * Lipstick and Kanaya's horn and something else = Demonbane Ragripper (Kanaya)
 * Music Box Time Machine (Aradia)
 * Blue Claw Gloves (Nepeta)
 * Brainfork (Feferi)
 * John's bedsheets
 * Crumpled Hat
 * A bunch of shaving cream
 * Some jetpacks
 * Array Modus && Cookbook = Recipe Modus
 * Fatherly Gent's Shaving Almanac && Steak = Jane Crocker's Hat
 * Revolver || Top Hat = Jane Crocker's Hat
 * Potted Plant && Dream Bubbles by Charles Dutton || Matriorb = Jane Crocker's Hat (absurdly expensive for some reason)
 * Poster of Detective Harry Dean Anderson && This Ocean Charles = Wise Guy Book (Private Dicking version)
 * Maplehoof && Wise Guy && Dirk's auto-responder = Pony Pals: Detective Pony (with commentary by Dirk Strider)

Upgrades
Combining the Jumper Block Extension with the Alchemiter allowed for various upgrades to be made. By inserting a punched card into a Punch Card Shunt, and then attaching it to the Jumper Block Extension, that card's corresponding item is incorporated into the Alchemiter.

Dave was the first to get this upgrade. He first attempted to incorporate a Blender, then a GameBro Magazine to the Alchemiter, but this resulted in an absolutely useless piece of shit, with the blender blending up the Cruxite Dowels and the magazine summoning a metal bust of a cool bro. The second time around, Dave attached a Punch Designix card to the Jumper Block Extension, which built a Designix into the side of the Alchemiter. He then added a Holopad card, which resulted in an unusable machine that could project the resulting item of an inserted card, but not create it. Dave then added a Totem Lathe. This makes the Alchemiter project the carved Cruxite Dowel for the inserted card, scan that, and create the item. These upgrades allow Dave to create and combine upgrades without running across his entire fucking house. A Jumper Block Extension card was also added to the Alchemiter. This didn't really do much except make the existing jumper block extension a bit less bulky and obviate the need for Punch Card Shunts. Dave then also added an Enlarger (similar to a focusing lens from a microscope), which lets him vary the size of the object produced. Naturally, smaller than normal items cost less grist and larger ones cost more.

Rose is later shown to have the same Alchemiter upgrades as Dave. John used her Alchemiter to create the Fear No Anvil.

Although various combinations have been noted, still lacking reference is what would happen if one card was turned upside down while pressed against another captchalogue card, or if both cards were upside down, or even how thick each captchalogue card is, and thus, how many you can combine at one time.