The Alchemiter is one of three devices that can be created by the Sburb client immediately after installation.

Found within the Phernalia Registry, Cruxite dowels can be placed on the pedestal where they will be scanned and an object will be created by the Alchemiter using alchemy. An unaltered Cruxite dowel appears to create Perfectly Generic Objects while one that is carved by the Totem Lathe will create an item specific to the pattern in which it was carved.

The Alchemiter is used by Rose to help John defeat Crude Ogres.

While the Alchemiter at first glance appears to only allow duplication of objects, John discovers that new items can be created by combining the hole-patterns of two or more items in various ways. This creates an item that usually shares qualities of all of the original items. The process appears to be rather context-sensitive, as the resultant item can possess qualities that the original items were only implied to have.

For example, Rose's Needlewands have magic powers since they were made from a statue of a wizard, even though the statue itself possessed no appreciable magic power. John has noted that the alphanumeric code found on Captchalogue cards is too limited to cover every possible item in the world, so the alchemy process may be less free-form than it appears. Certain key items (such as the Sburb Beta) lack readable codes and cannot be alchemized without the laserstation. Pumpkins (and ghost imprints thereof) also have no code, and never will have one.

Alchemiter sigil.png

However, an item isn't needed to make one. All you need is a cruxite dowel, you can carve it with the Totem Lathe to get a specific item, you choose how it's carved by inserting a punched captchalogue card. You punch captchalogue cards using the Punch Designix. You can punch cards with codes taken from the back of captchalogued items or randomly, or via two methods of combining items.

There are two ways to combine cards for the Alchemiter: "||" combine and "&&" combine. The difference between these is merely the way you punch the card, || (the "OR" combine) means you punch a hole in the result card for every hole there is in either card, done methodically. The second && (the "AND" combine) means you merely line the cards up next to each other, so that anywhere that there's a hole in both there's a hole in the result card. Appropriately for AND combining, an && alchemy result will often demonstrate the functionality of both components – e.g. Dave's iShades can be a phone and a rad pair of shades – while an || alchemy result will typically have the functionality of only one of the components, but the form of the other – e.g. the Hammerhead Pogo Ride, which is just a pogo that happens to be hammer-shaped.

Due to the Alchemiter's rather abstract means of combining items, it is possible to create the same item through varying combinations of ingredients, and thus, vastly differing quantities and types of grist. 

Unsurprisingly, the trolls also have Alchemiters as they are an important part of the game and therefore most likely appear in every session - at least ones able to bear a universe. The Trolls' meteor has at least four alchemiters.

Alchemiters display holographs of the items that the user wants to possibly make before they do itHS.svg.

Items Alchemized[edit | edit source]

By John[edit | edit source]

John's items.

By Rose[edit | edit source]

Rose's items

By Dave[edit | edit source]

Dave's gear.

By Alternate Future Dave[edit | edit source]

By Jade[edit | edit source]

Jade's items.

The Jade Alchemy Montage can be found hereHS.svg

By Trolls[edit | edit source]

(Note: none of these combinations are explicitly shown, and some of the items were likely found rather than alchemized.)

By Salamanders[edit | edit source]

  • John's bedsheets
  • Crumpled Hat
  • A bunch of shaving cream
  • Some jetpacks

Displayed by Recipe Modus[edit | edit source]

Upgrades[edit | edit source]

Combining the Jumper Block Extension with the Alchemiter allowed for various upgrades to be made. By inserting a punched card into a Punch Card Shunt, and then attaching it to the Jumper Block Extension, that card's corresponding item is incorporated into the Alchemiter.

The ALCHEMITER is upgraded with a huge metal bust of this awesome bro, and Dave's blender. The device has been reduced to an utterly useless heap of shit.

With the holopad and totem lathe additions.

Dave was the first to get this upgrade. He first attempted to incorporate a Blender, then a GameBro Magazine to the Alchemiter, but this resulted in an absolutely useless piece of shit, with the blender blending up the Cruxite dowels and the magazine summoning a metal bust of a cool bro. The second time around, Dave attached a Punch Designix card to the Jumper Block Extension, which built a Designix into the side of the Alchemiter. He then added a Holopad card, which resulted in an unusable machine that could project the resulting item of an inserted card, but not create it. Dave then added a Totem Lathe. This makes the Alchemiter project the carved Cruxite dowel for the inserted card, scan that, and create the item. These upgrades allow Dave to create and combine upgrades without running across his entire fucking house. A Jumper Block Extension card was also added to the Alchemiter. This didn't really do much except make the existing jumper block extension a bit less bulky and obviate the need for Punch Card Shunts. Dave then also added an Enlarger (similar to a focusing lens from a microscope), which lets him vary the size of the object produced. Naturally, smaller than normal items cost less grist and larger ones cost more.

Rose's upgraded Alchemiter

Rose is later shown to have the same Alchemiter upgrades as Dave. John used her Alchemiter to create the Fear No Anvil.

Although various combinations have been noted, still lacking reference is what would happen if one card was turned upside down while pressed against another captchalogue card, or if both cards were upside down, or even how thick each captchalogue card is, and thus, how many you can combine at one time.

Core devices
Cruxite dowel
+ Punch Designix
Punched card
Totem Lathe
Cruxite totem
Cruxite artifact
Alchemiter peripherals
Jumper Block ExtensionPunch Card ShuntHolopad
Other phernalia
Gristtorrent CDIntellibeam LaserstationEcto-Alchemologizer
Ectobiology ApparatusCloning PadGrist rigUnknown Device
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