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TabberCanonGrayed.svgCanon • link=Colonel Sassacre/Dubiously Canon}}Dubiously Canon

Colonel Sassacre is a famous humorist and the author of Colonel Sassacre's Daunting Text of Magical Frivolity and Practical Japery.

His wife is legendary pastry Baroness Betty Crocker, who owns the company Crockercorp. His dog, Halley, is the genetic template from which Becquerel is created.

He happens to be Nanna's adoptive grandfather (though Nannasprite also refers to him as a fatherHS.svg), rescuing her from a meteor that hit his wife's bakery on April 13, 1910. Eight days later, on April 21, another meteor hit Halley's doghouse. When the Colonel went to investigate, he was accidentally killed by an infant Grandpa dual-mishandling flintlock pistols. Nanna and Grandpa then grew up under the wicked pastry baroness's care as siblings, until they were 13, when Grandpa developed a taste for adventure and departed with Halley.

His life in the post-scratch universe was similar, still marrying Betty Crocker and owning the dog Halley. The change was the result of Nanna being replaced with Poppop and Grandpa being replaced with Grandma. Since neither Poppop nor Grandma were sent to Earth with dual flintlock pistols, it is unknown how Colonel Sassacre died in the post-scratch universe. It is hinted at by Jane how he could have died in a conversation with Dirk where she says The Crockers have something of a legacy when it comes to losing forebears in mysterious explosions. However, it is remarked that his stuffed corpse was kept in the living room while Poppop and Grandma grew up, as was family tradition.

Colonel Sassacre's life follows that of his real-life counterpart, Mark Twain. Mark Twain died on April 21, 1910, following the perihelion of Halley's Comet. The Colonel died the same day, and when a meteor hit the dog house of his dog, Halley.


  • Sassacre's sprite shares many physical similarities with Dad. He, along with Dad, are currently some of the only major characters in Homestuck that are not confirmed to be paradox clones.
  • The Hilarocaust, a holocaust to destroy humanity started by The Condesce via the hands of the Insane Clown Posse, can be seen as a play on his name (Sassacre) as it also is a combination of "humor" (sassy) and "mass killing" (massacre).
  • Both portraits of him in his Daunting Text are edited sketches of Mark Twain, and his overall appearance is heavily based on a famous picture of Twain.
  • In The Mysterious Stranger, Mark Twain theorized a concept based around the duality of the "self"; one being the "Waking Self", and the other being the "dream self", a concept heavily reimagined in Homestuck.
  • Interestingly enough, Mark Twain's parents are named John and Jane Clemens.

Homestuck Characters
Heir of Breath Breath Aspect.svg Seer of Light Light Aspect.svg Knight of Time Time Aspect.svg Witch of Space Space Aspect.svg
JohnLogo.svg John Egbert RoseLogo.svg Rose Lalonde DaveLogoSlashed.png Dave Strider JadeLogo.png Jade Harley
ectoBiologist [EB]
ghostyTrickster [GT]
tentacleTherapist [TT] turntechGodhead [TG] gardenGnostic [GG]
Maid of Life Life Aspect.svg Rogue of Void Void Aspect.svg Prince of Heart Heart Aspect.svg Page of Hope Hope Aspect.svg
JaneLogo.png Jane Crocker RoxyLogo.png Roxy Lalonde DirkLogo.png Dirk Strider JakeLogo.png Jake English
gutsyGumshoe [GG] tipsyGnostalgic [TG] timaeusTestified [TT] golgothasTerror [GT]
Maid of Time Time Aspect.svg Page of Breath Breath Aspect.svg Mage of Doom Doom Aspect.svg Knight of Blood Blood Aspect.svg
Aries.svg Aradia Megido Taurus.svg Tavros Nitram Gemini.svg Sollux Captor Cancer.svg Karkat Vantas
apocalypseArisen [AA] adiosToreador [AT] twinArmageddons [TA] carcinoGeneticist [CG]
Rogue of Heart Heart Aspect.svg Sylph of Space Space Aspect.svg Seer of Mind Mind Aspect.svg Thief of Light Light Aspect.svg
Leo.svg Nepeta Leijon Virgo.svg Kanaya Maryam Libra.svg Terezi Pyrope Scorpio.svg Vriska Serket
arsenicCatnip [AC] grimAuxiliatrix [GA] gallowsCalibrator [GC] arachnidsGrip [AG]
Heir of Void Void Aspect.svg Bard of Rage Rage Aspect.svg Prince of Hope Hope Aspect.svg Witch of Life Life Aspect.svg
Sagittarius.svg Equius Zahhak Capricorn.svg Gamzee Makara Aquarius.svg Eridan Ampora Pisces.svg Feferi Peixes
centaursTesticle [CT] terminallyCapricious [TC] caligulasAquarium [CA] cuttlefishCuller [CC]
Witch of Time Time Aspect.svg Rogue of Breath Breath Aspect.svg Heir of Doom Doom Aspect.svg Seer of Blood Blood Aspect.svg
Aries.svg Damara Megido Taurus.svg Rufioh Nitram Gemini.svg Mituna Captor Kankri Vantas
Mage of Heart Heart Aspect.svg Maid of Space Space Aspect.svg Knight of Mind Mind Aspect.svg Sylph of Light Light Aspect.svg
Leo.svg Meulin Leijon Virgo.svg Porrim Maryam Libra.svg Latula Pyrope Scorpio.svg Aranea Serket
Page of Void Void Aspect.svg Prince of Rage Rage Aspect.svg Bard of Hope Hope Aspect.svg Thief of Life Life Aspect.svg
Sagittarius.svg Horuss Zahhak Capricorn.svg Kurloz Makara Aquarius.svg Cronus Ampora Pisces.svg Meenah Peixes
Muse of Space Space Aspect.svg Lord of Time Time Aspect.svg
Calliope symbol.png Calliope (Alt) Caliborn symbol.png Caliborn
uranianUmbra [UU] undyingUmbrage [uu]
Dad Roxy Lalonde
Dirk Strider
God Cat Rose Lalonde
Dave Strider
Jane Egbert Jaspers Lil Cal Jake Harley
John Crocker Mutie Lil Hal Jade English
Nannasprite Jaspersprite Calsprite
Arquiusprite Erisolsprite
Carapacians /
Wayward Vagabond Peregrine Mendicant Aimless Renegade Windswept Questant Writ Keeper
Jack Noir (B2) (Dead Session) Draconian Dignitary (B2) Hegemonic Brute Courtyard Droll
Midnight Crew
Spades Slick Diamonds Droog Hearts Boxcars Clubs Deuce
The Felt
Lord English Doc Scratch Snowman
Typheus Cetus Hephaestus Echidna
Hemera Nix Yaldabaoth Abraxas
Salamanders Turtles Crocodiles Iguanas
Imps Ogres Basilisks Liches Giclopses
Other Black QueenBlack KingSkaian armiesGenesis FrogLususAncestors (The Condesce)HorrorterrorsBetty CrockerColonel SassacreCaseyGuy FieriInsane Clown PosseMaplehoofRambunctious CrowHalleySerenityMSPA ReaderMs. PaintAndrew HussieSawtoothSquarewaveHis Honorable TyrannyCalliope and Caliborn's parentsAngelsFantrolls