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Hearts Boxcars is a member of the nefarious Midnight Crew. Originally an agent of Derse, the Hegemonic Brute, an NPC who appears in every Sburb session, Boxcars took on a new identity after being exiled to Alternia in the post-Scratch Troll's universe.


The A2 instance of the Hegemonic Brute, along with the other three high-ranking agents of Derse wind up exiled on the barren planet to which the session is linked, during the course of the trolls' adventure. The group manages to build a city from the ground up, transforming themselves into the Midnight Crew. From then on, HB instead stands for Hearts Boxcars.

At an uncertain point following this moment, HB finds a command terminal with which to influence the players during the course of their session. He observes two separateHS.svg but similarHS.svg moments in Tavros Nitram's journey, both times aggressively urging the youngster to "KISS THE GIRL", unsuccessfully.

When their rivals the Felt become an unignorable nuisance to the gang, the Midnight Crew decides to take care of them once and for all and storm their mansion. HB (the designated safe cracker of the team) makes his way directly to their secret vaultHS.svg shortly after midnight. Realizing he won't be able to crack the safe on his own, he radios Clubs Deuce for help. Just then, Biscuits and Eggs appear, much to his frustration. The duo utterly overwhelm him with their reckless time loops. The battle wears on for four hoursHS.svg, Clover showing up to watch after a while. Since CD fails to ever show up, HB finally contacts Spades Slick for assistance, though he and Diamonds Droog are pretty busy themselves.

When backup finally does arrive, it proves to be of little helpHS.svg until Slick arrives with Crowbar's crowbar, destroying Eggs' egg timer and undoing its nasty temporal effects, essentially making the entire battle unhappen. Boxcars finally offs Eggs, causing Biscuits to retreat. Unfortunately, Cans arrives shortly afterward, making short work of Droog and then Boxcars, punching him right out of the calendar and into some horse-themed calendarHS.svg.

Moments afterward, though, Slick transports himself into a highly unfavorable timelineHS.svg where almost everyone is dead, including Hearts Boxcars. From here, Slick eventually kills Snowman, destroying the entire universe. HB's fate is unclear. Although he is presumed to beHS.svg dead, the horse calendar he was punched into is found eventually... albeit, in the afterlife.

Personality and Traits[]

Hearts Boxcars is a tall, brawny-looking member of the Midnight Crew. He is the tallest member, in fact, and like the other members, cast in a permanent type of shadow. As his name implies, he is the Hearts part of the crew's card based theme. He is depicted as the Crew's safecracker, often employing the tried-and-true method of simply ripping the safe's door off its hinges with his bare hands, which he attempts to do when invading the vault owned by the Felt. In Homestuck, he is the Hegemonic Brute from the trolls' Sgrub session. Initially, there were some difficultiesHS.svg becomingHS.svg him.

Boxcars is a brusque, physical fellow. When speaking, his language is peppered with threats of bodily harm. He may have a romantic side to him, as he blows a fuse after enduring a bit too much of Tavros' dawdling; both combat-wise and relationship-wise, commanding him to "GO KISS THE GIRL RIGHT NOW".

The other thing that really sets off Boxcars is time travelHS.svg, especially when exploited by Eggs and Biscuits.


Like all the other crew members, Hearts carries 5 weapon slots and one inventory slot, which as expected, holds a deck of cards. All of the cards suffer from that pretty annoying glitch from Problem Sleuth.

His main weapon of choice, oddly enough, is a TV antenna. He also carries a variety of antique polearms, including a Battleaxe and a Mace.

The deck of cards in his inventory slot often turn into his Wrathtub, which will always have the same amount of basin capacity no matter how much wrath it actually has. In it, there are huge amounts of large cleaving and spear type weapons, as well as a Backup Hat and an issue of Red Cheeks magazine. He can also talk into two of the cards (the 10 and the 4, of course), to make a radio device to communicate to other members. As a nod to Problem Sleuth, Hearts carries two Wax Lips in his Backup Hat.

In an alternate timeline, Sawbuck and a deceased Stitch were stored in the Wrathtub. It is unknown if he is alive or dead as he is last seen in a horse calendar during the midnight crew intermission.


Hearts Boxcars is incredibly strong and he ALWAYS ROLLS BOXCARSMspa icon.png. He can also consume large objectsHS.svg.

While performing Hive Ragtime: Fill 'Em with Midnight, Hearts Boxcars used the double bass.


  • Hearts Boxcars' typing quirk implies that he speaks with a thick accent of some kind. This may be a Scottish accent, considering his brute strength is a stereotype among Scots.
  • Hearts Boxcars' charge, Tavros Nitram, uses a lance - the same weapon Snowman uses. Inversely, Vriska Serket, Snowman's charge, uses dice.
  • Hearts Boxcars is depicted as the "Knight of Cups" in the Homestuck tarot card deck. This may because Knights of cups are considered well educated in matters of the Heart. He can also be seen with the rest of the Midnight Crew on the "King of Wands" card.
  • In a game of craps, the term "Boxcars" is interchangeable with "Midnight". The facts that he always rolls boxcars and is a member of the Midnight Crew gives his name a triple meaning.
Problem Sleuth Characters
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Midnight Crew (Spades Slick - Diamonds Droog - Hearts Boxcars - Clubs Deuce)
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Dave Strider
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