Canon • 
Dubiously CanonIn Paradox Space[]
You Have a Feeling It's Going to Be a Long Day[]
John wakes up and lazily goes about his morning routine - brushing his teeth, applying pixellated hair gel, and putting on his glasses. As he exits the bathroom, we see Dad walking away. John steps into a cake and, after rolling his eyes, blows out the candles. The Paradox Space title card is shown.
John's Birthday[]
During his birthday party at the zoo, John is running away from something in a hurry. He comes across Dave and tells him that he witnessed monkey-on-monkey knife violence. Dave criticizes John for his supposedly false and story with cliche random elements, and walks away fuming. John picks up the present Dave dropped and walks away, also upset. He returns to the monkey cage to see the smaller monkey dead and bleeding on the floor, and John looks disturbed and worried as the other monkeys make eye contact and shush him.
Prototyped[]
John is in his living room, messing about with his sylladex, when he captchalogues two fanciful harlequins, launching glass shards at the harlequin doll, as happens in Homestuck canon.
However, unlike canon, he captchalogues a third harlequin, launching his PDA harlequin-wards, and knocking its arm off. Later, when Karkat explains that prototyping Becquerel made Jack Noir unbeatable, John, Dave, Rose, and Jade look on in Horror as Jack puts on the Queen's Ring. However, because the harlequin has no arms, when Jack puts the ring on, he loses both of his, and thus has nowhere to wear the ring. It falls off, and he reverts to normal, before putting it back on, losing his arms, and having the ring fall off again. This repeats ad infinitum, as the kids conclude that this is a doomed timeline and leave to go watch a movie.
Con Faire[]
John is competing in the Teen Con Air Finals to see who can best depict the final scene of Con Air. His team comprises himself (playing the part of Cameron Poe), Roxy (playing Tricia Poe), and Casey (playing Casey Poe). Karkat and Terezi are also there, but that seems to be for moral support. Just before going onstage to perform, John learns that Roxy has never seen the film, and planned to just wing it. Their performance goes awfully, with awkward silences, missed cues, and uncomfortable ad-libs, and it seems the Evil Team (Vriska, Caliborn, Lil Cal, and Lil Sebastian) is going to win. But then, in a self-described "unconventional Dumbledore-esque move", the judge (WV) awards John's team ("the Stupid Team") six billion points for their passion and innocent love of the film. Vriska drops to her knees and screams while the Stupid Team celebrates.
Quality Time[]
Dad Egbert has taken John on a trip to the Dadly Depot, a repository of the sterotypical fatherly articles the former is so fond of. The interior of the store is gray and sterile, and by hour five, John in agonizingly bored. He borrows his dad's PDA to message Dave, craving some form of entertainment. Dave mentions that he's never been to the Dadly Depot, and that his brother only ever took him to Brajstop, a local chain which sells the sort of things that might interest the Striders: namely, "“snacks, hats, soft drinks” [and] “hand to hand combat weapons”". Dave complains about these expeditions, saying that his Bro leaves him in an empty ball pit (a sunken recess in the floor sans any plastic balls) to help him "build character". He tells John to try and make the most of this time with his father, and then signs off. John, realizing that this is his dad's way of bonding with him, runs back over and starts chatting excitedly to him, and asking to buy a smaller, wizard-themed version of his nose hair trimmer.
In Pesterquest[]
John Egbert first appears in Volume 1: 'Magic is Fucking Real'. In this route, the MSPA Reader attempts to befriend John, to varying degrees of success. In the route, the MSPA Reader meets John at the beginning of Homestuck and prevents him from receiving his copy of SBURB, creating a new timeline where none of the events of Homestuck ever occurred, and wherein the rest of Pesterquest takes place. In the bad ending, John discovers the existence of the Meat Epilogue and becomes overwhelmed with the prospect of his future (most of which he completely misunderstands), while in the good ending, he befriends MSPA Reader and they build a Fort together on his bed.
John is later seen in Volume 4, surprised when the reader teleports unexpectedly into his room. As it turns out, MSPA Reader has planned a sleepover with the beta kids, and brings John to get Rose and Dave. John actually compliments Rose's drawings, to which Rose becomes flustered about. Soon, John and his friends are all gathered in Jade's garden to commence their sleepover. He is last seen getting his nails done by Rose, oddly enough. It is assumed after this point that he and his friends are more close thanks to teleportation powers from both the reader and Becquerel allowing them to see each other in person.
In Volume 5, he is seen alongside Dave when the reader and Karkat teleport over to Dave's house after a recent drone inspection. The reader is initially confused that he is over at Dave's house and not back at their respective homes, though Dave states that Bec sent the two over after the recent sleepover, and that John will return to his home shortly. He, along with Dave, notice the curled-up and confused troll lying on the floor, and after a bit of debate on whether aliens are real or not, they see that Karkat has escaped onto the roof. Karkat, Dave, and the reader talk on said roof while John waits in the living room, and eventually he is rejoined with the group as they bond with the classic case of gaming.
On Snapchat[]
- From the reader's point of view, John's Snapchat story picks up from where his Canon biography ended.
While John dresses as Problem Sleuth in his Candy Corn Vampire form for Halloween, a young carapacian dresses up as John himself for a costume contest. John joins Rose Lalonde, Dave Strider and Jade Harley in posing in their costumes.
In The Homestuck Epilogues[]
Living on Earth C, John begins to dream of Lord English's destruction of the Furthest Ring and the ghost army being pulled into the great black hole that absorbed the 
. He seeks Rose Lalonde's advice, who informs him of the expanding scope of her powers and the nature of canon, which John is not able to entirely absorb. To ensure the canonicity of their timeline, Rose advises him to travel back into canon and defeat Lord English once and for all.
As he departs from Rose's apartment, Roxy and Calliope invite John for a picnic in the Carapace Kingdom where they reside. Evidently hesitant about John's new mission, they dance around the topic with idle chatter regarding Rose's health, their individual social lives, and Roxy and Calliope's relationship. Eventually Calliope tells John he has a choice in whether or not he goes on this quest, and offers him either meat or candy to eat as a symbol of this choice.
Meat
John chooses to eat the nearly-raw, alien meats, and sloppily at that. As John looks at the blood on his hands from the meal, he is reminded how much contempt he has for Lord English and his many crimes, resolving to go back into canon and fight him. Roxy looks disappointed, but they and Calliope pack up and leave before John can properly say goodbye. He returns to the salamander village, writes a note to Roxy and then the rest of his 10 closest friends, and zaps back into canon.
Recruitment[]
His first stop is the Prospitian battleship, just after Aranea and Gamzee exit the fridge. Aranea barely has time to be shocked before John knocks her out and takes the Ring of Life from her. John proceeds to push Gamzee back into the fridge, and zaps to the next event.
John arrives on LOHAC to retcon his retconned retcon, rudely interrupting Dave's argument with grimbark Jade for the third time. The other two Johns are disrupted by adult John's presence, and so remain there instead of leaving. After Dave notices the three of them and the usual derailing confusion takes place, John sends the two past Johns away from the situation, to do.. whatever they're doing next. After the three of them talk through the confusing scenario, John recruits the two teens to fight Lord English with him, since Dave has just made his legendary sword. Jade protests, but he zaps her away first, to negate her brainwashing. Dave and John follow soon after, after John debriefs him further on the situation and gives a parting smile to WV.
We next see John where he has gathered the seven other teen god tier humans - outside in his backyard on April 6th, 2009. The contrast between the overly-idealized environment of Earth C and his own childhood home hits John with a heavy wave of nostalgia, until the beta kids interrupt with questions about what happened to those left behind in the retcon timelines. John says he isn't sure, and makes a floundering speech about sacrifice to hype them up for the battle. The eight of them launch into a haphazard planning session for a while, and then John leaves them to spend some quality time to catch up with / meet each other. He is jarred by seeing his father in the house, but can't bring himself to talk to him. John returns to the other kids as he has a moral crisis about whether he sees them as real people. Regardless, he decides it's time to head out, and they all zap off to face Caliborn.
Caliborn[]
They arrive in a strange, dark place with a single grey spotlight. After Jade finds him, Caliborn looks surprised to see John and the others, but then he starts laughing. He begins to recount the "“MASTERPIECE”" he made, apparently years ago. His jaw unhinges, his voice distorts, and the fight begins. Not many details are given of the ensuing battle, but the narration seems to indicate
the kids put up more of a fight against the cherub than the initial claymation implied. Caliborn eventually feels overwhelmed and unleashes the Juju on the four beta kids, much to their shock. John tries to fight its pull, but the Juju renders null the same powers it gave John to begin with, overwriting them. They all get sucked into it almost instantaneously, and John tumbles face-first into the prison, breaking his glasses. He looks up to see Caliborn laughing at them all as he returns the Juju to the chest and closes it.
John laments over his broken glasses and his perceived failure of Rose's mission. As he thinks about her, he realizes the teen Rose he brought along is trying to talk to him through the wall. She's apparently in another chamber in this impossibly bright white space, adjacent to his. She's trying to confirm whether he's okay, and once he does, she seems relieved and says that everyone's accounted for. Each of the kids is secluded from the others in one of the four main chambers that the Juju contains, and as shown in Act 7, this matches their arrangement on the exile stations' computer monitors. From below, Dave and Jade are discussing how they respectively can't feel time or space within the prison. As the fight between the alpha kids and Caliborn rages louder outside, the teens try to ask John what future Rose's plan was, but none of them can hear each other no matter how loud they shout. John stops trying, and takes a moment to consider that this is still part of the plan, and the alpha kids are meant to defeat the young cherub. He closes his eyes and tries to picture the fight based on what he can hear, conjuring images of a bubble of pure Hope and metallic horses...
John of course dismisses the imagery as silly and inaccurate, and stops trying to imagine the fight. As he overhears Dave and Jade loudly reminiscing with each other below, he once again wrestles with the morality of taking them away from their lives. He doesn't know whether he should answer any questions they may have about their alternate selves' lives on Earth C, worrying that anything he might say would just make them sad. As he thinks about the life he himself left behind, his focus turns to Terezi and how much he misses her. He wishes she had been on Earth C with him, shaking him out of his misery and isolation in her typical style. He starts to realize he's been depressed, and should've been reaching out to people himself, rather than waiting for things to change. With reignited confidence, he tries his hardest to use his retcon powers to escape the Juju... to no avail. After slumping back down, he announces to the other kids that “THE JUJU HAS TO UNLOAD”, that all they can do is wait (for quadrillions of years, from an outside perspective), and that he's depressed.
Lord English[]
After the Juju's eternity in the Furthest Ring and Homestuck Canon, Vriska eventually unleashes it against Lord English. John and the others emerge from the Juju just in time to hear Vriska scream as she's sucked into the black hole, but John doesn't seem to realize it's her. He's more focused on the sound of reality cracking. Dave's voice abruptly reminds John of the three confused, frightened teens standing behind him. He holds his broken glasses to his face to once more take in the scene from his nightmares - a black hole, screaming ghosts falling into it, and Lord English at its center.
Candy
John chooses to eat the exotic candy and thoughtfully looks around, considering how melodramatic and nihilistic he's been, and how silly it all was. He decides that fighting Lord English only “serves some vague purpose” he doesn't fully understand, and that he'd prefer to stay on Earth C and enjoy his life. He reflects on his sappy feelings for his friends and the beauty of the nature around him and, upon being asked, confirms to Calliope that he's sure about his decision. Roxy is ecstatic and embraces him tightly, crying. He hesitates for a moment, trying to gauge Calliope's reaction, but then enthusiastically reciprocates. Calliope and Roxy excitedly explain that they have “sUch big plans” for him, but then Calliope makes one request for him to use his retcon powers: “let poor gamzee oUt of the fridge, john.” He is appalled, but Calliope insists everyone deserves a chance, and Roxy offers John no support to his hesitations. John begrudgingly complies, and zaps back into canon to retrieve Gamzee. He appears in the scene where Dave and Dirk Strider are embracing after their intense heart-to-heart, despite the fridge not appearing to be present at that moment and location in canon. John sneaks over to the fridge, not wanting to interrupt the moment. Dirk notices him as he touches the fridge, but doesn't say anything and turns back around. John takes this as a win and zaps away with the fridge, leaving its chain restraints behind.
After arriving back on Earth C, John opens the fridge gingerly and Gamzee bursts out gasping and sweating. The troll begins a self-pitying, apologetic soliloquy as Calliope comforts him. John scoffs in the middle of it but Roxy shushes him. After Gamzee finishes his speech, Calliope and Roxy congratulate and embrace him, as John walks away. He contacts Terezi and surreptitiously takes a photo over his shoulder of the other three hugging, and John and Terezi vent about how much they dislike Gamzee and can't believe the situation occurring here. John asks about her search for Vriska in the Furthest Ring and expresses how everyone misses Terezi, but she's not ready to return. She signs off and implores John to be ready with “4 R3PORT OF 3X4CTLY ON3 PUNCH 1N TH3 CLOWN D1CK” next time she contacts him. John smiles as he puts his phone away. As Gamzee attracts a crowd of carapacians, Calliope walks over to John and thanks him.
John goes on a date with Roxy, while Calliope and Gamzee tag along. Calliope is happy for Roxy, but regrets that her time with Roxy was so short. Nevertheless, she accepts that John made his choice back when he chose Candy, and that they “mUst all live with the repercUssions of that”. Calliope leaves, less than happy. While Roxy goes to “hit the ladies room”, Gamzee attempts to be a wingman for John, which John hates. He says as much to Terezi, sending her a picture of Gamzee's "ghoulish face" in the process. John and Terezi talk about the date, and John wonders if he really loves Roxy. He also wonders how Roxy feels about him, and how she feels about Calliope. He quickly puts his phone away as Roxy returns from the ladies room, and wonders why he feels guilty for texting Terezi. Roxy expresses how much she loves spending time with him, and how no one else has ever made her feel like this. Again, John wonders about Calliope. Weren't they in a relationship?
Dave arrives and interrupts John's train of thought. He has “a sudden need for a bro down”, and asks John if they could talk. John agrees, and Dave asks for advice about his relationship with Karkat – and about his relationship with Jade. John tells Dave to just tell Karkat how he feels, but with the three-way relationship with Dave, Karkat, and Jade, Dave doesn't think it's that easy. Whatever advice Dave wanted from John John is unable to provide. Dave goes to seek advice from Dirk instead.In Homestuck: Beyond Canon[]
Volume: Candy[]
This section is a stub. You can help MS Paint Adventures Wiki by expanding it. In particular, it needs documentation of John's role in Beyond Canon's prologue.Mourning the destruction of his old house,
John is contacted by his ex-wife Roxy Lalonde, who requests his presence back at their formal marital home. There, Roxy reveals the transportalizer entrance to the meteor lab where she and Calliope have been working on The Plot Point. In order to create “an event of sUch catalcysmic proportions that it simply cannot be contained within the black hole any more”, the pair require John to retrieve Vriska Serket. On his way out, John also discovers Sollux Captor, who has been living under Roxy's protection since Aradia Megido left the planet in pursuit of Dirk Strider.
John makes rendezvous with Vriska as she makes her own escape from Jane's imprisonment, and is offended to find that she believes the world he comes from is “a fake! Fakey fake fake.” However, she also relays that Jane intends to launch an attack on The Plot Point, and the two rush back to the laboratory.
| The Homestuck Epilogues | |||||||||||||||||||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Epilogues | Prologue 
| ||||||||||||||||||||
| Homestuck Characters | John Egbert • Rose Lalonde • Dave Strider • Jade Harley • Jane Crocker • Roxy Lalonde • Dirk Strider • Jake English • Aradia Megido • Tavros Nitram • Sollux Captor • Karkat Vantas • Kanaya Maryam • Terezi Pyrope • Vriska Serket • Gamzee Makara • Eridan Ampora • Feferi Peixes • Aranea Serket • Meenah Peixes • Davepetasprite^2 • Calliope • Alt Calliope • Caliborn • Lord English | ||||||||||||||||||||
| Original Characters | Harry Anderson Egbert • Vriska Maryam-Lalonde • Tavros Crocker • Swifer Eggmop • Cliper Borden • Barack Obama | ||||||||||||||||||||
| Concepts | Canon • Ultimate Self • Troll • Cherub • Earth C | ||||||||||||||||||||
| Related works | Homestuck • Homestuck: Beyond Canon • Hiveswap • Hiveswap Friendship Simulator • Pesterquest | ||||||||||||||||||||
