Dubiously Canon
A list of characters who appeared in the Skaianet Systems Incorporated files.
Adolf Hitler[]
In 1896, the 6-year-old Adolf Hitler lived in one of Karno's orphanages with Charlie Chaplin and Stan Laurel. He didn't take his studies seriously, and spent his time drawing people dying. He was suspicious of Einstein when he first arrived with Houdini, and mocked and tormented him while Einstein looked after the kids. He becomes frustrated and antisemitic over the next few weeks. This eventually results in a fight, wherein Hitler attacks Einstein physically. The other two get involved, and Hitler seriously hurts and argues with Laurel before Chaplin subdues Hitler and makes him pass out. Einstein quits the job. In 1904, due to being a poor student, he was relocated to work at a patent office in Europe with Einstein. He continues to do poor work at the office, and he ends up hating Einstein for being a fraudulent scientist.
In 1909, now an official employee of Skaianet, he is "promoted" by Twain to European military post. During WWI, he was shuffled around various German military positions, with Twain hoping he would be KIA. In 1926, Hitler sees Houdini in a hotel and punches him in the gut, resulting in his death. Throughout his time in the military he constantly throws tantrums, and nobody wants to fire him for fear of causing a worse one. Complaints of his behavior often find their way to Jake, who deals with the problem evasively by frequently "promoting" him to get him away from annoyed coworkers. Eventually Jake promotes him to the "useless bullshit title" of German chancellor in 1933, complete with a faked election. In 1945, Hitler starts the holocaust out of spite for Einstein, telling Einstein that he'd stop the war if he came out as a fraud. Laurel is concerned with Hitler's actions, and discusses it with the Condesce. She admits that he's causing a bit too much chaos even for her tastes, as it endangers her plans, and approves Laurel taking out a hit on him. Laurel then confronts him in his bunker, where he is shot in the head and decapitated. His genetic material is later combined with Laurel's to create Shaggy 2 Dope.
Albert Einstein[]
In 1895, Twain meets the 16 year old Einstein, and takes him as his apprentice. Einstein helps Twain with the expansion of Skaianet, especially in Europe, as well as advancing its tech laundering methods. In 1896, he's assigned to tail Houdini, and infiltrates his way into Karno's Army. Houdini assigns Einstein to watch over the kids in one of Karno's orphanages while Houdini is out traveling, and there he meets Karno's 6-year-old students Charlie Chaplin, Stan Laurel, and Adolf Hitler. Over the next few weeks, Einstein is tormented by Hitler and largely ignored by the other two, eventually resulting in Hitler fighting him. The other two break up the fight, but not before losing items from his jacket including a photo of Twain and HIC. Einstein quits the job, and reports to the Condesce about what he learned about Karno's Army, and its founder Little Debbie.
In 1903, Einstein is sent to work at one of Skaianet's patent offices in Europe, where he becomes a figurehead intellectual credited with "breakthroughs" as a cover for Skaianet. A year later, Einstein is called by Houdini asking to relocate Hitler to the patent office. The Condesce approves, and the two work together in the office until Einstein is summoned back to America in 1909. After Twain's death, Einstein acts as the interim manager for Skaianet and continues to act as a fraudulent genius. During WWI, Einstein moved Hitler between various German military positions, hoping to have him killed in action, though he continues to survive. In 1931, Einstein retired from Skaianet, but continued to occasionally announce "breakthroughs". During WWII he receives taunting letters from Hitler saying that he's responsible for the holocaust, but Einstein is too ashamed to come out. In 1955, Chaplin breaks into Einstein's home and lectured him for his weakness and and breaks his neck, killing him.
Ann Dunham[]
In 1942, Ann Harley is born as Jake's illegitimate daughter and becomes his apprentice. She accompanies him on adventures but ditches him in Hawaii as a teenager and changes her last name to her mother's name Dunham. In 1961, she gives birth to Barack Obama.
Barack Obama[]
- Main article: Barack Obama
Betty Crocker[]
- Main article: The Condesce
Calamity Jane[]
- Main article: Calamity
Charlie Chaplin[]
In 1896, the 6-year-old Charlie Chaplin lived in one of Karno's orphanages along with Stan Laurel and Adolf Hitler. Laurel largely ignored Einstein as he watched over them for a few weeks, and opted to focus on his comedic and combative skills for Karno's Army. Chaplin subdues Hitler after he attacked Einstein and Laurel. Chaplin rose in the ranks of Karno's Army with Laurel as his understudy. He played a pivotal role during WWI alongside Houdini and Laurel and is promoted to leading the army in 1923. He instructed Laurel to act as a double agent pretending to work for HIC, devising a ruse that Chaplin spurned Laurel resulting in him pursuing his own career. Chaplin also decides to befriend Jake Harley for intel, although he learns by 1926 that Harley knows virtually nothing. Despite this, he continues to spend time with him as the two pursue a romantic relationship. He is later abandoned by Harley and stops working with Karno's Army although he continues to perform. In 1933, Chaplin attempts to recall Laurel, but Laurel refuses. In 1945, Chaplin called up Laurel again, and asked him to do something about WWII, saying that he can't because he is out of practice. He then began training again, and in 1955 Chaplin broke into Einstein's house and lectured him for his weakness. Chaplin broke his neck and killed him, though chose not to expose him as a fraud. In 1957, Chaplin confronted Harley and his family in the jungle, shot his wife and fought Harley. While beating him up, he is stopped by Calamity, who shakes his head at him. Chaplin then took Jake's son away and adopted him, naming him Harry after Houdini. In 1965, Chaplin and Harry Anderson ambushed Laurel with a young Fieri, with Anderson besting Laurel and Chaplin shooting him to death. Chaplin then agreed to let Anderson raise and apprentice Fieri.
Post-scratch, the same events largely occur, and in 1977 Chaplin confronted Anderson in the Fieri clone labs for his betrayal before being swarmed and killed by the Fieri clones.
Dad[]
- Main article: Dad
Donald Trump[]
- This article section is empty. Please help MSPA Wiki by contributing to it.
Frank and Jesse James[]
Jesse James first appears as a 17 year old Confederate soldier in the town of Centralia in 1864. During a conflict between union soldiers, confederates, and the Condesce herself, Jesse shoots dead the Union major who was about to stab Condy in the back. Jesse is enamored with Condy, and she recruits him. She forms and leads a criminal gang with him and his brother Frank over the next several years, under the alias of their mother Zerelda. She also keeps them both as lovers. In 1873, the brothers rob a train in Iowa without her, until they are stopped by Mark Twain (38 at the time). He uses his conman skills to manipulate them, lock them in the caboose, and run off with their loot after separating the rest of the train.
In 1876, they rob a bank with more backup but are interrupted by Calamity. She kills all their cohorts and takes the two of them, injured, to jail. When the jail is unattended, Condy visits the brothers and rips the cell door open. The brothers explain that Calamity stopped them, and both try to apologize or offer amends, but she kills them both anyway. She keeps Jesse's head as a memento.
Fred Karno[]
In the 1890s, Karno set up an underground guild known as Karno's Army, dedicated to training orphans to become lethally trained combatants and skilled comedic performers like himself. Along with growing up to be notable stage performers, the members of his guild would be responsible for covertly assassinating key dangerous figures throughout history. The guild was rumored to be initially commissioned and funded by Calamity.
Guy Fieri[]
- Main article: Guy Fieri
Harry Anderson[]
- This article section is empty. Please help MSPA Wiki by contributing to it.
Harry Houdini[]
Harry Houdini was Fred Karno's protege in the 1890s, nearly matching him in skill and training many of the orphans himself. He focused his performing presence in the US northeast in the early 1890s,also using the time to investigate the Crocker and Skaianet empire which emerged out of the region, and sabotage them both by making things disappear. Twain had been trailing him and alerts HIC, but Houdini's escape skills make him impossible to catch in the act. In 1896, when Houdini is 22, Twain has Einstein tail Houdini as he travels around Europe. Einstein's low profile makes him the perfect undercover operative, and he eventually gains Houdini's trust and an inside look at Karno's Army. Houdini takes Einstein to one of Karno's orphanages, to watch the kids while Houdini is traveling.
Jade English[]
- Main article section: Jade English § In Skaianet Systems Incorporated files
Jane Egbert[]
- Main article: Jane Egbert
Jake Harley[]
- Main article: Jake Harley
John Crocker[]
- Main article section: John Crocker § In Skaianet Systems Incorporated files
Little Debbie[]
- Main article: Calamity
Mark Twain[]
- Main article: Colonel Sassacre
Oliver Hardy[]
- This article section is empty. Please help MSPA Wiki by contributing to it.
Shaggy 2 Dope[]
- Main article: Insane Clown Posse
Stan Laurel[]
In 1896, the 6-year-old Stan Laurel lived in one of Karno's orphanages along with Charlie Chaplin and Adolf Hitler. Laurel largely ignored Einstein as he watched over them for a few weeks, and opted to focus on his comedic and combative skills for Karno's Army. He attempts to break up the fight between Hitler and Einstein, but Hitler headbutts him out of the way, fueling Laurel's growing hatred of Hitler. After the fight, he pockets the photo of Twain and HIC that Einstein had dropped, enamored by the woman. As Chaplin later rose the ranks in Karno's Army, Laurel served as his understudy.
Steve Bannon[]
- This article section is empty. Please help MSPA Wiki by contributing to it.
Violent J[]
- Main article: Insane Clown Posse
Zerelda James[]
- Main article: The Condesce