Serious Business

It's serious.

Serious Business is an application first seen on John Egbert's Dad's PDA. It appears to function much like the real-life Twitter, where users' messages are sent to a live feed and can be responded to by @ing that user's handle (which is preceded by a forte symbol in much the same way a Twitter handle would be preceded by an @). Though its userbase is naturally quite serious and businesslike in nature, John initially assumes that this serious business must be that of street performing.

Though Serious Business posts are usually accompanied by a timestamp, after the Reckoning these times consistently read "??:??", likely due to the nature of the Incipisphere, which is “untouched by the flow of time” in the universe.

Serious business continued to take place on this app after the scratch, with the Condesce using it as her primary method of keeping contact with the Draconian Dignitary and the rest of her Dersite subjects. After being captured by Dersite forces, Dad again took to using Serious Business, providing helpful fashion advice to the rest of its userbase.

Known users

Earth (B1)

• pipefan413: John's Dad. No messages written by Dad are seen. However, given greyslacks66 and wellPressedAttire's inquiries on his health, it's obvious he's used it at some point in the past. Later Nannasprite finds Dad's PDA and starts typing messages of her own.
• grayslacks66: Accidentally dunked the tip of his tie into coffee and sought help with Serious Business. Ended up going home for a fresh tie instead. Later, grayslacks66 asked Dad for the "status of [his] health/wardrobe."
• wellPressedAttire: Gave grayslacks66 help during the "coffee dunk incident." Later, showed concern over Dad's well-being and provided encouragement for fedorafreak.
• officeurchin1280: Not much is known. If the number in his screen name is a birth date, officeurchin is rather young for a businessperson, which goes well with the screen name.
• 2busy4this: So far only posted one message. The screen name and use of abbreviations leads one to believe them to be very busy.
• fedorafreak: A lover of fedora-style headwear, whose collection became hopelessly rumpled after the neighbouring home to his was hit by a meteor.

Derse (B2)

• pipefan413: Jane's Dad. Shows remarkable sense and knowledge when it comes to businesslike fashion. His text color is different from that of the carapacians.
• HATLIKER: Possibly Courtyard Droll. Had an accident in which he sat upon his favorite hat.
• 1dapperblackshell: Very frank, attempts to suggest ways in which HATLIKER can rectify the integrity of his hat.
• FineryFiend: Mostly just reacts to the others, speaks of his respect for pipefan413's knowledge of finery.
• NoNeed4PantsThx: Seems rather intelligent and words things effectively.
• ChuffedAboutDuds: Didn't say much, offers his condolences and suggests inverting the hat and sitting on it again.
• WANT_MORE_SOCKS: Very concerned about socks, motions to unsit on hat and later withdraws the suggestion, changing his mood to apologetic.
• The Dignitary
• )(er Imperious Condescension (abbreviated to )(IC)

2025 Discord event

The Serious Business users as drawn by Hussie.

In October 2025, as part of a 20,000 member celebration in the Official Homestuck Discord server, a poll was run among fans to decide which popular idea Andrew Hussie would illustrate (the Beforan ancestors ultimately coming out on top). One request, "fedoraFreak fighting imps on the battlefield", lost out to "Sweet Vriska and Hella Terezi" in the first round of the bracket (which in turn was bested by "god tier Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff").

Hussie enjoyed the idea enough to illustrate fedorafreak anyway, and posted a drawing of all six original Serious Business users on October 21, 2025, describing them thus: "the serious business guys were always supposed to be like a dad species, thus there would appear to be little room for variation. but trust me, each is like a precious fatherly jewel, perfectly unique in their own ways"

Delirious Biznasty

Delirious Biznasty is a similarly named program with a similar function, but fittingly serves dudes who are far more delirious than they are serious. Among these are Dave Strider, who used it to contact Crockercorp and obtain the Insane Clown Posse "Miracles" music video a year in advance, and Dirk Strider, whose auto responder installed it on his friends' computers in the process of supplying them with copies of Sburb. Jake's skulltop was hit particularly hard with this case of trojanware.

The usernames of all the shown non-plot-relevant users of Delirious Biznasty are references to Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff; or rather, in-universe, they may have inspired Dave to use these turns of phrase in his webcomic.

Known users

• turntechGodhead
• Betty Crocker
• GodsGiftToGrinds: Presumably a skateboarder known for his grinds, but also for breaking various parts of his body starting with C.
• MrLifdoff: A follower of GodsGiftToGrinds, concerned with the latter's health.
• DUMBHOMOTOOL: A homophobe.
• fatnastytrash420: Another follower of GodsGiftToGrinds and of DUMBHOMOTOOL.

See also

• Chat client
• Chittr, a similar Twitter-like application used on Alternia