On January 1, 2019, the former What Pumpkin twitter account and the associated What Pumpkin web domain whatpumpkin.com, were modified such that the web domain redirects to a new web address, skaianetsystems.com. The twitter account was changed to a blank account sharing the same name as the Skaianet Systems domain, and containing the link to the website.
The website, entitled Skaianet Systems Incorporated, appears to be an in-universe webpage dedicated to the corporate entity in Homestuck known as Skaianet. The website contains a countdown unestablishment timer, similar to , with the exception that the website's timer is counting down until April 13th, 2029, whereas the unestablishment timer in Homestuck counted down to the day of The Reckoning on Earth on that same date in 2009. The 2029 date would be the 20th anniversary of Homestuck, and is also a reference to the real world asteroid 99942 Apophis, which, notably, was in the past believed to have an outside chance of impacting with the Earth on April 13, 2029, the same date as that to which the timer is counting down. References to Apophis were located elsewhere in the site's hidden files, of which there were many, stemming from a hidden link in the webpage's HTML source code.
- 1 Hidden content
- 1.1 History documents
- 1.1.1 01-1863-Calamity.txt
- 1.1.2 02-1864-Centralia.txt
- 1.1.3 03-1873-TrainRobbery.txt
- 1.1.4 04-1876-RIPJamesBros.txt
- 1.1.5 05-1881-Crocker.txt
- 1.1.6 06-1889-Skaianet.txt
- 1.1.7 07-1895-Einstein.txt
- 1.1.8 08-1896-FredKarnosArmy.txt
- 1.1.9 09-1903-PatentOffice.txt
- 1.1.10 10-1910-JaneAndJake.txt
- 1.1.11 11-1923-JakeLeaves.txt
- 1.1.12 12-1926-RIPHoudini.txt
- 1.1.13 13-1927-PuttingPantsOnPhilip.txt
- 1.1.14 14-1931-JakeReturns.txt
- 1.1.15 15-1933-HitlersPromotion.txt
- 1.1.16 16-1942-AnnDunham.txt
- 1.1.17 17-1945-WWII.txt
- 1.1.18 18-1955-RIPEinstein.txt
- 1.1.19 19-1957-RIPHardy.txt
- 1.1.20 20-1961-NextPhase.txt
- 1.1.21 21-1964-TheFieriClones.txt
- 1.1.22 22-1965-LaurelsLastStand.txt
- 1.1.23 23-1965-2009-SkipToTheEnd.txt
- 1.1.24 24-1863-1965-PostScratchTimeline.txt
- 1.1.25 25-1965-HarryAdoptsFieriAgain.txt
- 1.1.26 26-1977-ChaplinsLastStand.txt
- 1.1.27 27-1989-ICP.txt
- 1.1.28 28-1996-JaneAndJake.txt
- 1.1.29 29-2008-Obama.txt
- 1.1.30 30-2011-Rebranding.txt
- 1.1.31 31-2016-Trump.txt
- 1.1.32 32-2024-TheDoubleJuggaloPresidency.txt
- 1.1.33 33-2029-Apophis.txt
- 1.1.34 34-2050-Flooding.txt
- 1.1.35 35-2040-2424-PreparingAlterniaC.txt
- 1.1.36 36-RIPHIC.txt
- 1.2 Critical Assets
- 1.3 Other images
- 1.1 History documents
- 2 Criticism and apology
- 3 Gallery
- 4 Trivia
- 5 External links
The Skaianet Systems webpage contained a link in its source code which directed to a series of files, including articles about the history of Skaianet, a hand-drawn nsfw Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff comic, and a .zip file full of shitty wizard pictures. Most of these links have since stopped functioning; however, copies of their contents have been saved by fans.
The "history" files constitute a collection of 36 text files. The narrative contained in these documents consists detailed explanation of the machinations of the Condesce in both the pre- and post-Scratch universes, and how several notable historical figures were involved in her rise to power, the founding of Skaianet and Crockercorp, and other events that impacted the Homestuck canon. It includes origins for Dad, Guy Fieri, Insane Clown Posse, Colonel Sassacre (revealed to be the same person as Mark Twain), and Harry Anderson. Other implicated historical figures include Charlie Chaplin, Albert Einstein, Laurel and Hardy, and Adolf Hitler, who all serve various roles working both for and against the Condesce. Steve Bannon, and Donald Trump also play a role, with the former two being genetically related to various Homestuck characters. Furthermore, Calliope and Caliborn's mother appears as a major opposing figure to the Condesce, and existed on Earth for sometime under the name "Calamity Jane".
In Homestuck: Book 3, Andrew has commented about Colonel Sassacre being Mark Twain and mentions having written an "extremely elaborate backstory" about Crocker's schemes on Earth, suggesting that these documents were written a considerable period of time before their release. This was later confirmed by Hussie during his apology regarding the content. Given that the "history" files were quickly removed, and later denounced by Hussie in his apology as "ill-advised nonsense", their canonicity is likely to be highly questionable.
The history files are as follows:
HIC's race has been wiped out by a psychic shockwave, leaving her with no empire left to rule. On orders from her new master, she uses her ship to navigate a circuitous route to another universe, the one that is home to planet Earth. She disembarks somewhere in the American western frontier in 1863. She hides her ship, and begins exploring.
She wanders about the wilderness in Wyoming. She encounters families of migrant settlers from the east. She kills and eats them, and burns down their houses. She encounters bands of Native Americans. She kills them too. She's in the middle of a major skirmish with natives she seems to be enjoying, when she gets shot by a rifle. It wounds her more than an ordinary rifle should. In the distance, she can see a green, muscular woman, even taller than she is. She's dressed like a frontierswoman, holding the rifle. It is an adult female cherub named Calamity. Her nickname as a notorious figure in the west is Calamity Jane.
HIC and Calamity engage in combat. The natives all get the hell out of there. It seems like an even match, but Calamity gets the upper hand. She beats the crap out of HIC. She strongly advises HIC to stop fooling around and get to work. Calamity then climbs onto an absolutely massive horse, and gallops away. HIC develops begrudging sense of admiration for whoever this woman is.
HIC staggers, still injured, to the wreckage of a nearby settlement. Looks around for tools. The green alien woman dressed as a very large human had the right idea. She needs to blend in with this primitive alien race if she's going to make any progress here. She finds a sturdy hacksaw, and cuts off both her horns, so the stumps are buried in her hair. She takes a sickle, and dramatically shortens her hair. She finds tattered lengths of cloth, wraps herself up in a disdainful approximation of primitive human garb. She walks away to begin her long term schemes of conquest, as demanded by the terms of service to her master.
HIC wanders the land in "disguise", and makes her way down to Missouri. She listens and learns things about humanity, and current state of world. Hears the nation is in midst of a civil war. As she understands it, a rebellious uprising against the current regime to defend the caste order. She considers caste-based social order and slavery to be important parts of society. But rebellious insurrection makes her blood boil. So she is torn, chooses no affiliation. She seeks only to further embed herself.
She settles in the town of Centralia, operating a bordello for a while. A major clash between union soldiers and confederate guerrillas breaks out. Large number of union soldiers are slaughtered. Confederates are drunk, revelrous bastards. They disgust her. Her contempt for sedition overrides her neutrality, and she goes on rampage, killing all confederates in town. Union soldiers are horrified by her power. They attack her too, but she kills them as well. The union major runs up behind her with a bayonet. Before he can stab her in the back, a confederate shoots him, "saving" her. The man is a young Jesse James (17). He is enamored with her. She decides she could use a loyal human ally, and recruits him as her right hand man.
Almost a decade later, HIC and the James brothers (Jesse and Frank) have formed a crime gang. HIC leads the gang from the shadows, posing as their mother, with the alias Zerelda. However, she keeps them as lovers as well. She has begun to amass a significant fortune from their criminal enterprises. They decide to rob a train in Iowa.
Jesse and Frank, without assistance of HIC, board the train to rob it. They shoot most people on the train, and steal a bunch of things. They're interrupted by some complete drunken fool, a "southern gentleman" type with a mustache. It's Mark Twain (38), or one of his many aliases. He completely bamboozles them with a sort of drunken master performance that he has perfected over his many years as a successful con man and steamboat gambler. By the time he's done smooth-talking them, he has them genuinely believing some tall tale. He's ushered them into the caboose, locks them in, then separates the train which leaves them behind. He makes off with all their stolen loot, and leaves behind his card, which says "Colonel Sassacre".
Back at their headquarters, HIC has taken up Earth baking as an obsessive hobby. Bizarre cakes are everywhere. Jesse and Frank think it's weird, but just go along with it. HIC is furious at the incompetence of her cowboy subordinates. Good help isn't easy to come by on this planet. She pines for the days of having a good supply of clown muscle to boss around. She examines Sassacre's card. She's impressed by his feats of guile and buffoonery. She puts it in her drawer.
Jesse and Frank rob a bank. They bring a dozen men from the gang this time. They shoot the place up, demand money. The heist is interrupted by Calamity. By now she is a widely-known folk hero. She kills all the goons. Wounds Jesse and Frank, takes them to jail to collect the reward. She, like HIC, has been accumulating wealth over the years, but as a mercenary of justice.
HIC hears of this, and visits them in prison when no one is there. She easily rips open the prison door, and lets them out. Frank sobs, apologizes profusely. He explains it was Calamity again. HIC fumes at hearing her name. She kills Frank. Jesse, upset, kneels in front of her. He pledges to get revenge, to hunt Calamity down. He loves her, will do anything for her. She tells him she knows. He was always her favorite. She rips his head off, and keeps it as a memento. She leaves. It's time to move on from this foolish gang of lawless cowboys, and proceed to the next phase of her plan.
HIC has relocated to Connecticut. She has completely reinvented herself. Her alias is now Betty Crocker. She has started a baking company named Crocker Corp to serve as a front for her many illicit enterprises. Her fortune continues to amass, and she launders it all through this company. Her skill at baking has skyrocketed, and her products are becoming more popular in the region.
She has established a business partnership with Twain, and relocated to the northeast with him. She has only a platonic relation with Twain. Since Jesse's death, she has sworn off fornicating with humans. Something unsavory and unbusinesslike about it. Like fucking a dog. Twain uses his skills as a drunken grifter, and notable, charismatic entertainer to assist with her schemes. And she in turn uses her corporate leverage to boost his career and fame to new levels, increasing his degree of influence. It's a more constructive partnership than she had as a gangster out west.
In time, Twain is corrupted by her utterly. The partnership is not of mutual benefit, as it initially seemed. He understands all of his freewheeling ways are in absolute service to her. His drinking problems escalate, but he remains loyal and serviceable to her. He continues to refine his various tricks as a con man, inventing different characters and aliases, but his mainstay is Sassacre. He develops a completely unwarranted reputation as an intellectual, a man of science and learning, on the orders of HIC.
HIC establishes a company called Skaianet, and puts Twain in charge of it, as a figurehead founder. Its mission is to dramatically advance the scientific enlightenment of humankind. She charges him with continuing to develop the fraudulent storyline of this company, expand it to become a global operation, and recruit others into the charade. He establishes a foundation, a Distinguished Gentleman's League of Intellectuals and Luminaries, setting up shop mostly throughout Europe, because that's where people tend to believe a lot of hoity-toity egg heads come from. He wants people like him, who he thinks he can train. Young men with mustaches, a bit disheveled. This will be his coalition of phony scientists who will be the public faces making all the astounding "breakthroughs" that Skaianet will be responsible for, in coming years. The main purpose of Skaianet of course is to serve as a technology laundering company. A way to convert technology from Alternia, and tech mined from Sburbian ruins which originated from meteor impact sites, into more digestible morsels of advancement according to the standards of the period.
During his travels through Europe, Twain (60) encounters a young idiot he considers of great promise as a scientist-huckster. A 16 year old named Albert Einstein. Twain takes him under his wing, teaches him everything he knows. Einstein is a slow learner, but Twain, aging, drunk, and ornery, is determined to make this kid his protege and be done with it.
Einstein thereafter assists Twain with the expansion of Skaianet, fortifying its European presence especially, and establishing more sophisticated means of cleanly laundering advanced tech and science into the company. To this end, an extensive network of patent offices are created throughout Europe, all owned by Skaianet.
Meanwhile, in the 1890s, an underground guild has been assembling unbeknownst to HIC. The guild, operated by a lethally trained, extremely skilled slapstick performer named Fred Karno, has been set up to train young orphans in the deadly arts of combat and comedic performance. The result, when the young warriors mature, will be a group of vaudeville assassins, mostly famous for their notable stage performances, but in the shadows play pivotal roles in history, assassinating key dangerous figures. Karno's Army was rumored to be commissioned and funded by Calamity.
Harry Houdini (22) is currently the protege of Karno. He is of nearly equal skill, and spends a good deal of time directly training the orphans himself. Houdini also travels around the northeastern US in the early 1890s performing, making a name for himself, attracting the attention of Twain, who keeps an eye on him. Covertly, Houdini has been investigating the emerging Crocker and Skaianet empire, and has been surreptitiously committing various acts of sabotage to gum up the works. His sabotage usually involves making things disappear. Money, employees, even entire bakeries. Twain alerts HIC to this activity, who is furious. She tries to catch him in the act, but this Houdini fellow is a very slippery character. Incredible ability to escape.
Twain assigns Einstein to tail Houdini and learn more about what he's up to. As far as anyone can tell, Houdini doesn't know Einstein is in the Crocker network. Einstein is still young, has maintained a low profile, and is still essentially just a lackey for now. Einstein uses some of the con man tricks taught to him by Twain to follow Houdini around Europe. Einstein does some fairly bad character acting, playing the role of an affable drunk, who is a fan of Houdini's act, and wants to get to know him better. Einstein playfully asks him to do the stomach punching trick. Houdini says alright, braces himself, and lets Einstein pathetically punch him in the stomach. Einstein is "amazed" Houdini is not phased at all by the punch. Houdini has no reason to suspect him, so the ruse is successful. Einstein talks his way into doing some menial work for Karno's Army, which he promises to keep a secret.
This leads Einstein back to one of Karno's small orphanages which houses some kids Houdini is training. Einstein's job is just to look after the kids while Houdini is traveling. Einstein's infiltration is successful, now he just needs to gather intel. In the house, he meets three promising young students of the army. Well, two are promising, one is a complete shit. Their names are Charlie Chaplin, Stan Laurel, and Adolf Hitler. They are all about 6 years old.
Einstein is still "in character", a drunk, ugly American who is starstruck by Houdini, attempting to do bad card tricks, and is just excited to be helping. Chaplin and Laurel don't give a shit about him at all. They focus diligently on their training, telling jokes very seriously, performing slapstick, and honing their combat skills. Hitler however is extremely suspicious of Einstein. He doesn't buy his bullshit at all. Hitler does not take his studies seriously in any way. He spends time making horrible drawings of people dying. He's not the slightest bit funny. He despises Einstein for trying to pull some fake shit on everyone, and he hates the other kids for not caring. Einstein continues babysitting them for several weeks. During that time, he's mocked and tormented by Hitler, who calls him a phony fraud. His anti-semitism also begins to escalate, mostly as a means designed to continue owning Einstein.
Eventually, Hitler and Einstein get into a major physical altercation, with Hitler absolutely wailing on him. Einstein's like, ow man, fucking STOP. A bunch of stuff spills out of Einstein's jacket, like a full deck of playing cards, a bottle of booze, and an old timey photo of Twain and HIC posing together. Chaplin and Laurel run in to break up the fight. Laurel grabs Hitler, but Hitler headbutts his face, bloodying him, knocking him down. They argue. Laurel absolutely loathes Hitler. Hitler lashes out at Chaplin, but Chaplin subdues him with ease. Chaplin is the star student. Hitler bitches and moans loudly, flailing, but Chaplin choke-holds him until he passes out. Einstein is embarrassed, and sick of this shit. He quits the babysitting job, and never comes back.
Laurel apologizes to Chaplin for his sloppy form, and letting this fool get the better of him. Chaplin says it's ok, he's still learning. In years to come, Laurel will be Chaplin's understudy. As Chaplin drags unconscious Hitler off to his bed, Laurel wipes the blood off his face, and looks at the mess on the floor. He picks up the picture of Twain and HIC. He thinks she is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. He puts the picture in his pocket.
Einstein returns to HIC with some good intelligence. He reports on Karno's Army. The organization intrigues her. He also reports it is funded by a competing baking baroness called Little Debbie. It's a fake name though. He heard Houdini refer to her as Jane. HIC knows exactly who that is.
By now, Twain has realized Einstein (24) is kind of a loser. He's not a very good huckster con man. Doesn't have near the versatility Twain has. Twain decommissions him as an undercover operative, and just sends him to work at one of Skaianet's patent offices in Europe, processing hundreds of patents a day for laundered tech. But during his work there, he continues to be used as a figurehead intellectual who is credited with various scientific "breakthroughs" as a cover story for Skaianet.
He works peacefully in the patent office for about a year, relieved to have boring work to do instead of getting caught up in company intrigue. Then, he's called for a favor by an old "friend", Houdini. He wants to relocate Hitler (15) to work in his patent office. Einstein hates this idea, but isn't sure what to do. Apparently Hitler is such an atrocious student, so deeply unfunny and uncommitted to the craft of vaudeville combat, that Houdini is desperate to get rid of him by "promoting" him to a "more important" job. He would really appreciate this favor. Einstein is very uncomfortable. Checks with HIC. She likes the idea of keeping a student of Karno's Army close by. She orders Einstein to keep a close eye on Hitler. He's stuck with him.
For the next 6 years, they both work crammed together in this small patent office. Hitler is absolutely awful to work with. He's worse than ever, a complete bitch. He doesn't do much work, fucks up what little he does, and fucks up anything Einstein does. HIC sees absolutely no reason to change this situation for years, and greatly enjoys hearing Einstein's miserable reports. Hitler continues to build a huge grudge toward Einstein, as over the years Einstein is publicly credited with more and more "scientific breakthroughs". He is becoming a major celebrity in the science world, which consumes Hitler with rage and envy, because Hitler knows he's a complete fraud. An intense rivalry develops between them, but it is lopsided. All Einstein wants to do is go back to the US and get away from this bullshit.
Meanwhile, Chaplin climbs the ranks of Karno's Army. Laurel is his understudy, both in show business, and as a warrior. They continue their training furiously, preparing for difficult times ahead. Chaplin begins to gain some notoriety as a performer. Hitler takes note of this, becomes jealous, and starts biting his style.
By 1909, HIC and Twain finally recall Einstein back to the states, much to his relief. They need him to be on hand for the arrival of two very important new recruits to the company. By this point, Hitler is an official employee of Skaianet, and their responsibility to decide what to do with. Also by now, SN owns a great deal of European infrastructure. So Twain simply "promotes" Hitler from the patent office to a completely useless military post somewhere in Europe.
HIC and Twain are now headquartered in Crocker manor, somewhere in upstate New York. Not far away, one of Crocker's bakeries is demolished by a meteor. Twain investigates the crater, and finds a baby girl at the bottom, inside of a dirty man's hat. He takes the baby back to the manor. Eight days later, another meteor strikes just outside the manor. Twain goes to investigate. There is a baby boy at the bottom, wielding two flintlock pistols. The baby shoots Twain through the heart, killing him.
HIC takes the two babies into her home, and raises them as her own. She names her Jane, after her nemesis Calamity. She will be trained to become a worthy heiress to her empire. She names the other idiot Jake, as an afterthought, because it sounds a bit like Jane, human names are stupid, and she doesn't actually care. According to the rules of royal legacy which she understands, the fact that he has killed Twain makes him the rightful heir to Skaianet, which he has just officially inherited. But he is still too young. He needs some time to grow, and to be groomed. In the meantime, Einstein can stand in as the interim manager of SN's affairs. Over the next decade he will continue to play the "famous genius" shtick like a fiddle (which he also plays, but very badly), while expanding the company, and getting it ready for Jake to assume control of, on HIC's orders.
Jake becomes a rebellious teen, and decides to leave home to pursue adventure. He rides his dog Halley away, says goodbye to Jane. He changes his last name to Halley, but due to a speech impediment, his name is bastardized to Harley, which sticks for the rest of his life. HIC anticipates his temporary departure, continues to prepare for when the time is right for Jake to assume mostly figurehead control of Skaianet.
By now, World War 1 is over. Chaplin is now the supreme master of the vaudeville assassins, taking Houdini's place. Houdini, Chaplin, and Laurel played a pivotal role in ending WWI, responsible for key assassinations leading to victory. Hitler was continuously shuffled around various German military positions, mostly by Einstein who had the reins on Skaianet. Einstein kept moving him around, hoping Hitler would end up getting killed in action, but he kept surviving. Hitler suspected this is what was happening, fueling his grudge, even more so as Einstein's fame kept growing.
With the war over, and Chaplin leading Karno's Army, they turn their focus to securing global stability. Which means continuing to investigate and contain the ambitious reach of Crocker Corp and Skaianet. Chaplin understands now in hindsight that Einstein's involvement with his orphanage was a ruse, an embedded intelligence operation ordered by HIC. He devises a counterintelligence measure. He orders his protege, Stan Laurel, to work as a double agent. To act as though he is a defector from the army, and to behave as though he resents Chaplin and wishes to switch sides to spite him, and gather intelligence from inside HIC's operation.
Chaplin, who by now has built quite a name for himself as a performer, starts working his own angle. He covertly befriends Jake, who is a huge sucker for any big star. Jake loves the motion pictures. He arranges for Jake to have a backstage pass to one of his shows. After the show, Chaplin and Laurel fake a heated argument, which comes to blows. They make sure Jake sees it, who is alarmed. Chaplin manipulates Jake to report this to Einstein. Einstein knows Laurel is a key member of the army, and is intrigued. He invites Laurel for an interview to Crocker manor. Laurel shows up, but is made to wait in living room for appointment. He meets Jane there, who takes it upon herself to entertain him while he waits. She is highly attracted to him, and attempts flirtation. He is very uncomfortable and nervous, as he waits for this meeting. HIC finally shows up. Has brief, chilly exchange. She isn't that impressed with Laurel. Something seems fishy about the situation. She doesn't outright refuse to accept his service, but he's essentially rebuffed. Laurel recalls his childhood infatuation with her, from the dropped photo. The feelings for her come rushing back, and he becomes obsessed again.
Chaplin signals his double agent operation must continue. Laurel must keep playing the part of being spurned by Chaplin, resentful, pursuing his own career independently. To maintain this cover, Laurel finds a new comedy partner, Oliver Hardy. A chubby civilian performer who knows nothing of Karno's Army, nothing of lethal combat. An affable, earnest fellow who becomes a great friend of Laurel.
Somewhere in Europe, Houdini is sitting in the lounge of some hotel. By pure chance, Hitler is passing through that hotel, and spots him. He immediately challenges him to his famous stomach punching trick, to see if he can take it. Before Houdini even knows what's going on, Hitler punches him in the stomach by surprise as hard as he can. Then he laughs his ass off, and walks away. Houdini groans and collapses. Later, he dies.
Meanwhile, Chaplin's "friendship" with Jake has turned into a turbulent romantic affair. Jake knows virtually nothing, and has proven to be an absolutely worthless source of intelligence on Crocker's internal matters. Chaplin also increasingly finds him obnoxious and thoughtless, but can't seem to quit him. He rationalizes continued relationship as needed to maintain a key intelligence asset until Jake is reactivated as an important part of the network.
HIC and Jane are on a rare outing together, just for fun. Jane is a very surly teen, who has to get dragged out of the house by HIC to do anything together. They decide to go see a movie. The film "Putting Pants on Philip" is playing. It's the first appearance of Laurel and Hardy in a film together. Jane suddenly wide eyed with excitement at the sight of Laurel, who she still fancies. But to her surprise, HIC is laughing uncontrollably through the entire film. It's the most she's ever heard her laugh. In fact, she's not sure if she's ever heard her laugh. She just thinks it's the funniest fucking thing she's ever seen. She absolutely MUST know who that delightful fat clown man is. He must be brought to her immediately. Jane thinks this is all a little weird, but whatever. It's a good excuse to call Laurel.
Laurel, summoned by Jane and asked to bring Hardy, won't pass up this opportunity to go undercover inside the Crocker network. He has not been able to stop thinking about HIC since he saw her. At this point, he's confused about whether he wants to infiltrate to serve Chaplin, or whether he just wants to be close to her. On arriving, he quickly realizes that all of her affection is for Hardy. He begrudgingly must accept her affection for his partner in order to stay in her service though. Both he and Hardy are hired as her two right hand men, just as the James brothers once were. Although this time, only Laurel would do the legwork. Hardy would be kept exclusively as her lover, though he was effectively a sex slave.
Jake (21), now of age, has fully inherited Skaianet, and "runs" it in a hands on way. At least, he believes he does. He believes SN is now a considerably more distinct entity from Crocker Corp, and his leadership of the company is a result of his hard work and competence. Neither is true. HIC is still mostly pulling the strings on the business, but he is allowed to manage various cosmetic aspects of the business, and serves as the public face. Einstein has retired from any direct participation in the business, and now serves strictly as a famous professorial type, who still announces "breakthroughs" now and then to serve as cover for SN's tech laundering.
Hitler, now a fixture within the German military, which is one of the many industrial complexes influenced by SN, keeps being completely horrible wherever he ends up, and making a spectacular mess of everything. These tantrums and disruptions are so legendary, they often make it back to Jake's desk. He always deals with the problem by getting whichever department is complaining to "promote" him to higher and higher positions, so he gets out of everyone's hair. No one ever wants to fire him because of the insane tantrum he would throw. Jake just shrugs along with it, until Hindenburg finally asks Jake what he should do about this Hitler guy. Jake tells him to just promote him to a useless bullshit title like "chancellor" and to stop fucking bothering him about Hitler forever, please. They decide to throw a fake election to justify his new phony position as chancellor, and that's that.
Meanwhile, Laurel is in so deep, so obsessed and manipulated by HIC as her right hand, he's not acting in any way as a double agent anymore. Laurel does all her dirty work, serves all her grim purposes, but continues making films with Hardy, mainly because she insists on it. She loves the films. Hardy continues being her sex slave. She often fornicates with him very loudly and aggressively while Laurel is in the other room, in earshot. Hardy's life is becoming increasingly miserable, but he must put on a brave face as a fat and jolly funnyman.
Chaplin tries to recall Laurel from the operation, but Laurel won't comply. He's conflicted, ashamed to admit to his master, but he cannot leave HIC, due to his personal feelings, as well as the fact that she would likely kill Hardy if he did. Chaplin understands. He is now deeply depressed, for this reason, but also due to his experience with Jake. His affair with Jake lasted for several years, but ultimately, Jake toyed with his heart, and abandoned him. Chaplin continues to perform for years, but ceases his work with Karno's Army, which is now a shell of its former self. There are no orphans in training, and virtually no active agents remaining.
Jane meanwhile has been aggressively courting Laurel. She hates HIC, has always had her eye on Laurel, and this is her way of acting out. Laurel, continually rebuffed by HIC for affection and recognition, succumbs to Jane's advances, and nervously pursues torrid affair with her for many years thereafter, under the nose of HIC.
Jake (32) has long since lost any control or jurisdiction over Hitler, or any interest in controlling him for that matter. He's practically abandoned his post at Skaianet in terms of managing assets, and though remains figurehead of company, he's out exploring and adventuring, completely oblivious to whatever's going on in Europe. He hops from site to site, looking for Sburbian ruins to plunder. While on one such expedition in Kansas, he has an illegitimate daughter named Ann Harley. He takes custody of her, apprentices her as an adventurer, and takes her all over the place on his adventures. He brings her to Hawaii as he explores the Pacific, to look for a fabled island he's discovered some lore about. But as a teen, she finally ditches him there, and changes her name to Ann Dunham (her mother's name), because she's sick of her douchebag dad. Years later, she gives birth to Barack Obama.
Hitler gets really carried away in his new position. Aside from just being an asshole, he seems mostly motivated by spite for Einstein, who keeps being a beloved famous scientist, despite being a fraud. He takes his wrath out on jews especially, and kicks the holocaust into high gear. As years go by, he keeps sending taunting letters to Einstein, telling him this is all his fault. He can stop the holocaust and end WWII any time he wants, all he has to do is come out publicly and admit he's a fraud. He has to say really specific things Hitler has written for him, like "I'M A BIG FUCKING LOSER FRAUD, WHO'S BAD AT SCIENCE, I FAKED ALL MY BREAKTHROUGHS, MY DUMB SCRAGGLY HAIR AND MUSTACHE LOOK GAY, AND I DON'T DESERVE ANY OF MY FAME OR MONEY..." and so on. But no matter how bad WWII gets, Einstein is too ashamed to do anything about it. Instead, he keeps up his act, and develops a really pious, pacifist shtick where he opines on the tragedy and folly of war and such. He takes his shameful secret to his grave.
Chaplin becomes deeply concerned about the war. After years of Jake-fueled depression, Chaplin finally gets on the phone with Laurel. Urges him to do something. Chaplin stands no chance. He's out of shape, hasn't been in the business in years. Karno's Army is disbanded. Laurel is the only one who can stop him. Needs to do it to avenge their old master, Houdini. Laurel's like, wait what? Hitler Killed Houdini? Chaplin says yeah. And lastly, he says if nothing else... take him down for biting his style. He hangs up.
Laurel brings the matter to HIC. She doesn't care at all about the death toll of WWII, but nearing the end of the war, even she finally has to admit that Hitler is causing so much chaos, it's in danger of disrupting her plans. She wonders why Calamity has done nothing about this. Laurel explains that her syndicate is defunct. HIC finally approves the hit. She orders Laurel to take him out. But she has to admit she's impressed by the devastation Hitler has caused. She asks him to take him out, on the condition that he brings something back for her.
Laurel infiltrates deep into German territory near the end of the war. He discovers Hitler's bunker, where he's hiding. They fight for a bit, but Hitler is pathetic. He was always lazy in honing his vaudeville combat skills, whereas Laurel's were sharp as ever. He knocks Hitler to the ground, takes out his gun. They have an extensive, melodramatic dialogue. Laurel issues an icy one-liner, and shoots him in the head. Then he takes out a knife, to satisfy HIC's request.
Laurel returns home, enters Crocker manor with Hitler's severed head under his arm. He hears HIC and Hardy upstairs loudly fornicating. He winces. He goes to the study to deliver the head. Jane (35) is in there, closes the door behind him. She doesn't seem to care about or notice the Hitler head at all. She was just worried about him, and missed him. He puts the head down on the desk, and listens to her. She can't take living here anymore. She doesn't want to be the heiress to this shitty company. She's getting old. She wants her own life, to start a family. With HIM. He's also frustrated with life here. He is tempted to run away with her. But... he can't. His loyalty to HIC is too strong. She gets more heated. She at least wants to have his baby. She will leave, and raise it herself. He acquiesces to this. They have sex on the couch, while the Hitler head stares at them. When they are done, Jane leaves the Crocker compound for good.
Einstein (76) is writing more bullshit pacifist poetry, scolding the world for its evils. He takes a break to play his violin badly. He really sucks. Chaplin (66) smashes through the window of his posh residence. He's been training, getting his ass back in gear. He's in peak physical condition again, incredibly limber. He knows about his complicity in the holocaust. He despises Einstein for his weakness, gives him strong, accusatory lecture. Einstein is blubbering mess. He runs through house, throwing papers around containing all the chicken scratch fake math he keeps on hand to seem legitimate. Chaplin catches him, smacks him around. Ends up breaking his neck. He thinks about exposing him to the world. But no. It would make everyone sad. Also, that's exactly what Hitler would have wanted.
Hardy is completely miserable. Worn down from his many years of servitude. He's a severe alcoholic, and his comedy has suffered horribly too. HIC doesn't seem to notice though. She always laughs maniacally at his movies, even though everyone else can tell he lumbers around on stage as a joyless, broken wreck. He hangs himself. Laurel, guilty and devastated about what he's complicit in putting his friend through, finds himself for the first time furious with HIC. He thinks he's going to march into her office, tell her off, and quit. He walks up to her, seething. But he looks in her eyes. She's heartbroken by the loss. They collapse into each other's arms, and both start sobbing.
Jane (47) leads a simple life, raising her son (12). She opens a joke shop, and eventually marries a simple business man whose last name is Egbert. Laurel checks in from time to time, but from a distance. Never speaks to Jane again. Sometimes he comes by and shows his son some tricks alone in the yard, like the ones Houdini taught him in the orphanage.
Meanwhile, Jake is on another expedition, plundering some Sburbian ruins with one of his families. He's taking his beautiful wife (of the moment. he's had many wives) and his 5 year old son through a jungle to approach the ruins. They hear some rustling in the bushes. A crazed Charlie Chaplin busts out of the bushes, and confronts Jake after finally tracking him down. He shouts at him, insists he must pay for his crimes, his service to Crocker, his complicity in mass murder. Chaplin pulls out a gun, aims. Jake reflexively hides behind his wife, just as Chaplin pulls the trigger. Wife dies. Son screams. Jake pulls out two pistols, they have Hollywood style gun battle. They run out of ammo, engage in fisticuffs. Jake badly outclassed, gets beaten senseless. Chaplin seems to be losing it, shouting things like "I LOVED YOU!" as he beats Jake to a pulp. Chaplin, raising fist over unconscious Jake, who is near death, is interrupted. It's Calamity, who says nothing. She merely shakes her head at him. He lets go of Jake, and weeps. Then, angrily, stomps over to Jake's son, takes him by the hand, and leaves Jake badly beaten and alone in this jungle. Calamity leaves too. Chaplin adopts his son, renames him Harry, in honor of his old master, Houdini. When he's a little older, the son, deeply ashamed of his biological father, takes his dead mother's last name, Anderson.
HIC reveals to Laurel the next phase of her plan. Without Jake's knowledge (most things are done without his knowledge), she has carved out a vast portion of Skaianet's industrial infrastructure to facilitate a massive cloning project. She takes him to a new cloning plant near the Crocker compound, gives him a tour, and explains his new responsibilities. From now on, attending to the advancement of this project must be his only concern. He wonders what she's cloning, but she doesn't say. It will take additional years of development.
Laurel has spent a few years overseeing the advancement of the facilities. He still has no idea what they're supposed to accomplish, but HIC has invited him to an initial demonstration of their mission.
There are two large objects, both have huge tarps over them. She removes one tarp, revealing a big contraption, which involves one large glass jar containing Jesse James' old severed head in brine. Next to that is another same-sized jar, that appears to be full of several gallons of human ejaculate. The hat on top of this jar suggests to Laurel that this large supply of genetic material belonged to Hardy, which HIC had been harvesting from him for years.
She pushes a button, and in a flash of light, a baby clone combining those two sources of DNA is created. She quickly pushes another button, which rapidly accelerates the growth of the clone to become a full grown man. He is a horrid, fat, naked man, who is laughing maniacally. He has the mind of a baby, and all he seems to know how to do is stagger around laughing like a lunatic. She explains that she is using the combinations of genetic material from previous servants to make the perfect human, and ultimate heir to her dominion here on Earth. Much like she customarily had an heiress on her home planet, the last of which was named Feferi, who she never got a chance to kill in combat. So she will name this boorish laughing man in her honor. But he's a guy, not a girl, so this will be a Guy Feferi. The clone seems delighted by this, and mimics gleefully, "F-F-F... FIERI! FIERI!!!" HIC shrugs, as if that sounds fine. Guy Fieri, whatever. She really doesn't give a shit.
She pushes him out of the way, and does another few demonstrations. The next couple clones are much worse, much uglier, imperfect copies. Just absolute wretches, grotesque, bloated Fieri clones. She gets frustrated, and concentrates very carefully on the settings, getting the DNA balance just right. She pushes the button, accelerates growth, and... at last. She's done it.
This clone seems a little more focused, more cunning, less maniacally crazed than Fieri Prime. This one will be her absolute STAR. Her ultimate clown servant, the one who will lead on her behalf once she rules all. He will go on to be known as Violent J. She seems extremely excited about all this.
But Laurel is disgusted by this plan. He was not prepared for this level of depravity, and can't hide his revulsion. HIC notices this, and shows pity. She assures him that she hasn't forgotten how valuable his service has been to him. He sulks a bit. She walks up to him, puts her hand on his face with a sort of condescending sympathy. Did he really think she'd forgotten him? He looks up with puppy dog eyes. Then she slashes his face with her claw, drawing blood.
She pulls the tarp off the other, nearly identical device. It has the same two jars, but one has Hitler's severed head in the brine. The other jar that should have the ejaculate in it, is empty. She opens the top, and flicks some of Laurel's blood into it. She pushes the button again, clones and accelerates growth. Another nude clown, this one much thinner. Laughs, gives Laurel an evil grin. This one will go on to be known as Shaggy 2 Dope. Laurel is horrified, clutches his bleeding face. HIC explains that these will be her two perfect clown servants, her messiahs that will help bring about the resurrection of her home planet. As he knows, she always prefers to have two servants. He should be honored that he and Hardy's genes will live on in the perfect bodies of these noble clown soldiers.
The naked clones all advance toward him slowly, menacingly. He backs away, reaches for his gun. Suddenly, HIC kills all the clones with her trident. Laurel is stunned, confused. She says, this was only a demonstration. These are prototype clones, to show off the final products. But they have empty minds. Of no use to her as brainless adults. They need to be cloned as infants, and embedded throughout the world, such that they grow up and obtain major positions of cultural influence. They need to be raised, groomed to agitate on her behalf, while being genetically programmed toward being unshakably loyal to HIC.
She activates the first machine again, and recreates Fieri Prime, but as an infant. She picks him up, cradles him lovingly. He attempts to breastfeed. She walks over, explains more to Laurel. This will take patience. She will need his help, seeding the world with her Fieri clones. Laurel's head is spinning. She takes pity, explains to him the bigger picture. In truth, while these clones are prototypes, this entire timeline is also a prototype. From the moment she arrived, up until the world ends, everything that's happened has been sort of a trial run. The apocalypse will come in the year 2009, once Jake's work is complete. And then, once the universe is reset through the software he releases into the world, she will journey to the rebooted universe, and start over from scratch, and retrace all her steps. But this time, she must continue to fine-tune the blueprints of her plan. To perfect the steps she has been taking all along toward world domination. And in that timeline, the world will not end in 2009. Beyond that year, it will simply belong to her.
Laurel is so confused, but resigned to her absolute supremacy. He knows she is ancient, infinitely powerful, and what she says is probably true. He lost his soul long ago to her. No matter what she does, he would follow her to the end of the world. And she knows he would. She thrusts the baby into Laurel's arms. He cradles it uncomfortably. She says, now go. Take young Fieri into the world. Hide him somewhere that he may grow up, and sow his evil.
Laurel (75) is out in the world, wandering around with this awful baby. It makes nasty burbling noises. He is repulsed by it. He thinks of Jane, of the life he could have had. The amount he's suffered for HIC. His tears drip onto baby Fieri, who responds with more gross noises. He comes to grim realization, he may need to set up another series of underground orphanages, like the one he grew up in, to raise and train these little shits. He is dismayed at this thought, but it is interrupted.
Chaplin (76) ambushes him. He has finally caught up with him, to make him pay for his crimes. He has brought his young apprentice and adopted son, Harry Anderson (13), who has been training intensively in the way of the vaudeville assassin. He looks angry, determined. Has been taught to loathe traitors of the army. There is a standoff. Minutes of silence, as they all size each other up. Laurel says, fuck it, let's do this. He tosses baby Fieri on the ground without any concern for injuring it. Chaplin nods slightly. Harry flies into action, screaming. Very intense fight between Laurel and Harry ensues. Laurel stunned at his ability. CHRIST, what kind of moves have you been teaching this kid? Just a few new techniques he's been working on. Stuff Laurel never got a chance to learn, since he was so busy spending most of his life as a traitor.
It's a very even match. They pull guns on each other. Shoot, miss, throw playing cards, do other magic tricks, beat each other bloody. Finally Harry gets the best of him. Laurel curses his old body. He can't keep up with this punk. He gasps, tries to get up. Chaplin calls off Harry, says this is his fight to finish. Chaplin deeply regretful as he pulls out his gun, tears streaming down his face. He thanks Laurel for his service. Kills him.
Harry is bloody and injured, but shows concern for the dropped baby. He picks it up, sees a little dog tag around its neck. "Guy", huh? Well, you're free of those awful people now. I'll take care of you. Harry raises and apprentices Guy Fieri, with the blessing of his wise old master.
The clone experimentation continues. Jake marries a woman by the name of Claire in the late 70's. Starts yet another family. Needs to stay local to a lab, to continue development of some incredibly advanced software. Software that still needs computer tech to be developed well enough to support it. SN's tendrils continue to influence all sectors of the tech world to make that happen. He's recruiting some enterprising employees of SN at a very young age, just like his old lady did. He just set up an infant from the sky named Dirk down in Texas with a trust fund, setting him on a path to be of use to the company. Then he moved up here to New York to do the same for another kid named Roxy. He's been making good headway on his quest for the mysterious island in the pacific. Once everything is taken care of here, he'll leave this family behind and set up shop on that island permanently. That's when the real work begins. The discoveries on that island will finally unite him with the destiny he's been in search of his whole life.
Prior to his discoveries on the island, Jake has no idea this will result in some kids using the software he's unearthing, which will destroy all life on Earth. Nor does he have any idea that those kids will be using this same software to reboot the universe with different starting conditions, thus ending this "trial run" timeline for HIC, and giving her a fresh start. Exactly as she planned.
The prototype timeline is finished. It served its purpose, both for HIC and her master. Many details are different, but she doesn't care. Humans always obsessed with details, details, details. The results are what matter. Power is what matters. She mostly duplicates the previous results, with less nonsense this time.
HIC travels to new timeline by entering the Sburb session, traveling through one of the gates during the scratch, and lands on Earth around the same time she did before, in 1863. Most post-scratch details are inconsequential until John and Jade arrive.
John and Jade land in 1910 instead of Jake and Jane. John stays home and plays Jane's role as an heir, rather than heiress. Laurel remained infatuated with HIC, but had little to do with John. Chaplin pursued affair with Jade instead of Jake, which lasted for a longer time and instilled in her the sense of rebellion against HIC, while playing a similar role of heiress to SN that Jake played. Ultimately, HIC killed Jade for her constant insubordination, but not a moment before necessary, so as to let the timeline play out.
Otherwise, everything proceeds mostly the same, as precisely controlled by HIC to fit the original timeline events as closely as she could force them to play out. For instance, Jane cannot sire a son with Laurel in this timeline, so she uses that son's DNA to covertly impregnate John's future wife at the exact needed moment, so that son will grow up to be the father who this timeline's Jane will need. HIC knows later another session will begin that is essential to her plans to move on from this planet, conquer a new universe, and free herself from her master once and for all.
She knows Jane will show up in 1996, and will prepare the world for her arrival. Her grooming in the previous timeline was essentially just practice. This time it will count, and she will groom a fitting heiress to her empire. Jake will arrive in 1996 too, but she's sick and fucking tired of this dude, and he will have no valuable role in her plans except to be groomed as a serviceable slave to the heiress. The other two kids are set to arrive about four centuries after that, once her conquest of Earth has been absolute. They are only necessary to open the game session which she will enter and occupy. Otherwise, they are trivial to her.
Returning to the exact moment Harry Anderson has claimed baby Fieri to raise him as an apprentice, but in this new timeline. Very little is different about this encounter. Life continues for Harry, as he attempts to raise this baby.
Harry (25) and Fieri (12) are touring the Fieri clone labs. Fieri is a very evil and precocious child. He has been corrupting Harry's pure heart gradually, by funneling money from HIC to support his struggling magic career. He's been whispering in his ear, swearing he'd line up Hollywood gigs too. Might be able to get him his own sitcom some day. Harry for a few years has gotten under the thumb of HIC, looking after the army of tens of thousands of young Fieri clones in facilities around the world. Harry wonders where it all went wrong. Remembers the haunted look in Laurel's eyes when Chaplin killed him. The look that seemed to be begging for death. Was this who he was becoming? The children are rowdy today. They truly are pure evil. Whatever was happening here... it was wrong. All wrong.
Fieri takes him to a special area. They go deeper and deeper into the belly of the beast. Finally Harry sees two young kids, around 5 years old. One big, one small. They are revered by the thousands of other chubby, unpleasant children. Behold, our messiahs. The perfect result of the Fieri Clone Project. Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope. All the children begin whooping, and bowing reverently. It's too much for Harry. He buckles over and vomits.
That's when his master shows up. Chaplin (88) wears a dark expression. And you, too, have succumbed to this depravity, my once beloved apprentice? Harry cannot look him in the eye. Chaplin assumes a valorous fighting stance. Now that his pupil has been corrupted, he knows the legacy of the vaudeville assassins will die with him. He will take as many of these little bastards down with him as he can. Young Violent J gestures disdainfully toward the intruder. Chaplin is swarmed by Fieri Clones. Guy Fieri roars with maniacal laughter. Harry is sobbing.
Harry pursues career. Gets a sitcom deal in the 80's. He is consumed by guilt, and has ceased his previous life as a vaudeville assassin completely. His skills decline dramatically, and he struggles. The thousands of Fieri clones continue to grow up and infiltrate culture in many ways. In 1989, Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope form a rap group called the Insane Clown Posse. The stage is set.
Jane and Jake arrive in 1996 via meteor, instead of John and Jade. Jane is raised by a genetic copy of the same man who she gave birth to in the previous timeline. He was raised by John Crocker and some woman he married immediately after leaving the Crocker compound in terror, after seeing Hitler's severed head sitting on a desk. Jake lives on the island, taken there by Jade. HIC starts conditioning Jane with propaganda and mind control technology.
Obama is elected president. However, wasn't born in this timeline. He was a direct descendant of Jake in the previous timeline, so he could not have been born in this one. After the end of the pre-scratch world in 2009, he fled after less than one year in office, and in some way made it to this universe, to run for president and serve again for a full 8 year term. Unfortunately, since he was not born in this timeline, this resulted in some issues with the authenticity of his birth certificate. Meanwhile, Fieri gets political. He fans the flames of populism. Now several 100,000 Fieri clones all over the world, embedded in positions of cultural influence. ICP continues to amass power and influence, by stirring the religious passions of the juggalos.
Crocker Corp rebrands. HIC finally makes her presence known to the world, to continue to influence the political situation, and fears of the populace. Jane and Jake enter session. Earth continues on without any apocalyptic meteor events, until 2029.
HIC's covert agitation campaign is in full force. Many Fieri clones embedded everywhere. Large volume of them established in Russia. One particularly gruesome genetic anomaly named Steve Bannon helps agitate the political environment enough to install as president a billionaire braggart named Donald Trump. This proves corrosive to political norms and conventions enough to set the stage for HIC's grand designs, a political backlash movement that would see her clown messiahs rising to power, thus eradicating democracy on Earth forever.
Trump's presidency [REDACTED]. Over this span of time, he begins to realize what sort of dark forces were transpiring in the country during his presidency, and desperately tries to save America, as well as the world. He attempts to team up with and stop the juggalo uprising. But it's too late, and he weeps for democracy. No one can stop the surge of rowdy clowns. Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope win in a landslide in 2024 and change everything.
Years later, Dave and Rose kill Guy Fieri and ICP. Later, they challenge HIC. But by then, she has accumulated too much power, having released her full potential through continued genetic research in this timeline. She kills them both.
The Apophis meteor strikes the Earth. Its origin and relation to Sburbian tech is [REDACTED]. The devastation of the impact further accelerates the decline of civilization, which is now ill-equipped for coping with such an event. The damage done to SN infrastructure leads HIC to close the company for good. Its purpose has been served.
By now, there is virtually no vestige left of government or civilization. Her top clone servants have been killed, and most of humanity has been wiped out by them. The remaining population struggles to survive as the water level rises rapidly. HIC has accelerated the flooding of Earth. It was easy, since her work over the past couple centuries massively accelerated carbon emission-based industry in the world, setting the stage for Earth to become a permanent greenhouse trap. Once she had full control, she pushed the emissions a little further, and that rapidly melted what was left of the ice caps. The world is hers completely.
In time, the rest of humanity dies. All but the highest peaks on Earth are fully submerged in water. HIC creates some floating colonies for some carapacian clones imported from the session. On Earth, she prepares conditions for the two kids arriving in 2424 who are needed to open the session. But she can still visit the session any time via certain access points. She is in the process of conquering Derse as well, and becoming its queen, to prepare for the work that needs to be done there.
Even having conquered and flooded Earth, it is still just a prototype planet. She will have one of her powerful new servants from the session transport the planet to a new universe she forces them all to make for her. Then, finally finished with the work she was assigned by her master, she will be free of his influence forever. She will rule Alternia C, resurrect the troll race, and continue her reign more powerful than ever.
Everything in the session proceeds as planned, until John from the pre-scratch timeline uses an unforeseen ability to disrupt the course of events, breaking HIC's mental grip on her powerful servants, and turning the tide in their favor. They all team up to challenge her.
The battle is closely fought, but at long last, she is defeated. She has no idea how it came to this. There's a fucking anime sword impaling her through the chest. She's on the floor, bleeding out, thinking the final thoughts of her life. The kids who killed her have left her there to die. They've taken her flooded planet that she worked so hard to conquer. They've stolen her reward, the new universe she was going to rule. She thinks over the last several hundred years of her life. A wild journey she never imagined she would go on. It was in service to a master she hated, slavery she resented every minute of. Yet they were the most exhilarating years of her very long life.
Calamity shows up. She's here to say goodbye. HIC has fully served her purpose, from Calamity's point of view. All she ever wanted was to ensure the conditions were satisfied for the birth of her children. It was nothing personal. She needed to contain HIC's wild impulses, to keep her in check, to make sure she stayed in the rails of her designated global conquest to secure the future birthplace of her son and daughter. Now it's over. They have both succeeded, and Calamity must travel to the new universe to find her mate, and breed. The last thing HIC sees is Calamity throwing off her shroud, spreading her angel wings, and flying up to Skaia. HIC closes her eyes and dies.
The folder CRITICAL_ASSETS.zip contains 10 .jpeg image files of a "shitty wizard", along with the following "README" file:
- ATTENTION. BY ILLEGALLY HACKING INTO THE DARK_WEB_CACHE FULL OF ILLICIT_WARES WHICH HAS BEEN EXPLICITLY BLACKLISTED BY THE GOVERNMENT, AND STORING THESE CRITICAL_ASSETS ON YOUR DEVICE, YOU HAVE OFFICIALLY AGREED TO ALLOW YOUR DEVICE TO BECOME A CRITICAL NODE IN THE SKAIANET SYSTEMS BLOCKCHAIN. TO REMOVE YOUR SYSTEM FROM THE BLOCKCHAIN, THESE INSTRUCTIONS MUST BE FOLLOWED PRECISELY. AT EXACTLY 04:13 UTC, DELETE CRITICAL_ASSET01.jpg. DELETION MUST OCCUR WITHIN NO GREATER OR LESS THAN ONE SECOND FROM THAT TIME. EXACTLY 24 HOURS LATER, DELETE THE SECOND CRITICAL_ASSET AT THE SAME TIME. CONTINUE DELETING EACH CONSECUTIVE CRITICAL_ASSET EVERY 24 HOURS UNTIL ALL HAVE BEEN DELETED, AND THEN 24 HOURS AFTER THAT, DELETE THE FOLDER, INCLUDING THIS READ ME FILE. ANY DEVIATION FROM THESE INSTRUCTIONS, SUCH AS DELETING A FILE AT THE WRONG TIME, WILL RESULT IN FAILURE, AND YOUR DEVICE WILL REMAIN EMBEDDED IN THE BLOCKCHAIN UNTIL YOU REINSTALL THIS CACHE OF CRITICAL_ASSETS AND START THE UNINSTALLATION PROCESS OVER. SKAIANET SYSTEMS THANKS YOU FOR GENEROUSLY PROVIDING MOST OF YOUR DEVICE'S COMPUTING POWER TO THE BLOCKCHAIN.
This is a refence to a real-life event where Hussie downloaded a zip file of shitty wizard images to use in Rose's house, only to have his entire computer succumb to a terrible virus.
Two images outside of the "CRITICAL_ASSETS.zip" folder appear in the hidden content. This include the file "pyorulsite.jpg" from the folder "SAMPLES/APOPHIS", an image of a mineral formation that appears on wikipedia, and "OUR_DEAR_FOUNDER.jpg" from the folder "LEGACY", which is an image of Colonel Sassacre taken from an image of his Daunting Text in Homestuck. Both of these images are viewable in the gallery below.
Criticism and apology
Following the initial release of the hidden "history" content found within the site's files, some portions of its readership expressed severe concerns about segments of its content. In particular, the interactions between Adolf Hitler and Albert Einstein, and some of the more sexual interludes, were found to be carelessly offensive or inflammatory. The treatment of the Holocaust in particular was criticised for being offhandedly antisemitic.
The hidden content was removed shortly after the release of the Skaianet Systems website, however this did not stem its spread or the spread of the criticism. Between January 2–5, an apology message written presumably by Andrew Hussie was present on the Skaianet Systems homepage, reflecting on the insensitivity of aspects of the writing, and apologizing for releasing work that was carelessly drafted and inflammatory.
The apology message reads:
- “Originally there was some backstory content hidden in some cursed tags in this site code. I came up with the concepts years ago for internal purposes, not originally intended for public consumption. I thought some might find it interesting if the material were leaked in the site code in an obscure way. I think it has proven to be neither obscure as imagined, nor all that rewarding to read. The subject matter was inflammatory in careless ways, and the negative reactions to it are legitimate and should have been expected. A drafting process can be messy and can result in some ill-advised nonsense which often should not see the light of day. Letting a bunch of rough draft text files be deployed in this way was not a well considered move. Obviously this material has hurt a lot of people. Which isn't what I was going for, and didn't anticipate, but certainly should have. As far as the intentions behind it, I'm sure I believed it would be read as condemnation through satire, but instead it came off as excessively irreverent and disrespectful of a sensitive topic (to be clear, the main topic relates to antisemitism, which of course is not an issue that should be handled frivolously). After receiving criticism it's obvious to me where I'd been mistaken, and why no one could have possibly read it the way it was intended. I know this content was bad, I regret putting it in a place where people would discover it, and I regret that it was drafted in the first place.
I acknowledge that there are certain subjects which demand an exceptional level of care, and that I have been inexcusably thoughtless in handling this. I understand that there should be a certain standard of consideration and review for the content that is presented to an audience, and in forgoing that consideration there have been serious consequences for those people whom this issue directly affects. This could have been easily avoided had I sought a more careful review before it was posted to ensure that what I actually wanted to convey was being properly conveyed.
I am sorry that this lapse of judgment has been hurtful to so many people. I cannot undo the damage that this has caused, but I can promise that I am aware of the gravity of this mistake and that, going forward, I will be more mindful of the serious impact careless decisions have on those they hurt.”
- — Andrew Hussie
- A day after fans found a stuffed bear and a sign with the letter "E" in one of the site's coordinates in the hopes of them being an alternate reality game, Friendsim writer "V" tweeted a clarification that nothing was actually planted on these spots and the finding was just coincidental.
- Upload of the NSFW Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff comic "REBIRTH".