In Pesterquest[edit | edit source]
In other media[edit | edit source]
A human appears dressed as the Condesce for Halloween.
Skaianet Systems Incorporated files[edit | edit source]
The SSI History files take place primarily between the gaps in the canonical events on pre- and post-scratch Earth, and serve as supplemental to the Condesce's biography rather than rewriting it. The files begin immediately following the Lord English orders the Condesce to somehow navigate to another universe.... After being left with an empty empire in the wake of its devastation,
Pre-scratch Earth[edit | edit source]
Upon arriving in Wyoming in 1863, she hides the Battleship Condescension and explores the area, almost immediately killing natives and settlers alike. She is soon shot by the cherub Calamity, who has disguised herself as a human by the name of Calamity Jane. They end up fighting, but the cherub easily beats the Condesce and tells her to get to work. Following Calamity's example, Condy disguises herself as a human on the spot, even sawing off her own horns to blend in.
As she wanders through Missouri and hears murmurs of the civil war, she finds herself torn on whether to support or oppose the confederacy: she is a fervent proponent of class-based oppression, but also despises any form of rebellion. Some time after Condy settling in the town of Centralia in 1864 and starting a bordello, a conflict between the two factions breaks out in her establishment. She slaughters members of both armies throughout town. The young confederate solider Jesse James shoots the Union major about to stab her in the back, and she recruits him. She forms and leads a criminal gang with him and his brother Frank over the next several years, under the alias of their mother Zerelda. This is a great source of wealth for her, and she keeps the brothers as lovers. In 1873, the brothers rob a train in Iowa without her, until they are tricked by Mark Twain and have their loot stolen by him. Around this same point in time, Condy has begun to develop her obsession with baking cakes. While she's furious with the brothers when they return, she seems intrigued by the calling card Sassacre left behind after the heist. After a failed bank robbery attempt by the brothers in 1876, thwarted by Calamity, Condy kills the two brothers and keeps Jesse's head as a memento.
In 1881, she assumes a new alias and founds CrockerCorp as both a money laundering scheme and an outlet for her baking passion. She has started a platonic and professional relationship with Twain - he uses his conman ways in service to her, and she boosts his fame. She ultimately corrupts him, and orders him to develop a false reputation as an intellectual. After Crocker founds Skaianet in 1889 and puts Sassacre in charge, she uses the company to launder Alternian and Sburbian technology to the public, with the help of Sassacre and his new foundation of fellow fake scientists. She is furious when she learns from Twain that Harry Houdini has been sabotaging both of her empires, but is unable to catch him due to his escape abilities. Twain assigns the low-profile Einstein to Houdini, due to his low profile. Einstein, having successfully infiltrated, returns a few weeks later with info on Karno's Army and the competing baking empress that founded the organization, Little Debbie. Einstein mentions that her real name is Jane, and Crocker immediately knows who she really is.